Hey there,
I've been meaning to get back on and post for the last 6 months and for whatever reason have avoided it. I felt many of the things you felt during my recovery. If ending my life was as easy as flipping a switch and if I could do it without causing pain to my loved ones, I would have been sorely, sorely tempted.

I thought that drugs also weren't for me, but I ended up seeing a therapist who referred me to a psychiatrist who gently coaxed me into trying Lexapro. I went on a small dose and i think it helped. Very notably, I got my appetite back in about a week.

What really helped was just telling myself, "you don't have to like this, you just need to endure." And telling myself, even though I couldn't believe it at the time, that someday I would be glad that I'd endured. The counseling I got from the therapist and the psychiatrist on depression, anxiety, and TBI's was invaluable as was what felt like an intimate friendship (ok, and a bit of a crush) with each of them.

Now, I'm back to work full time, traveling frequently for work and kicking butt in my job. My social live is thriving again, and, while PCS might have caused my relationship that I had at the time to end, the perspective I've gained with time is that there are better fish out there for me. And, I'm kiteboarding again! Jumping, surfing, crashing into the waves, giving myself minor whiplash and, thank goodness, my brain is holding up just fine.

I have my life back, and I'm so grateful to my friends (including the ones on this site) and my health care professionals and therapists (none of whom could offer the silver bullet I sought, but all of whom helped in their own way and encouraged me to hang on while TIME, the great healer, did its work).

IT WAS WORTH ENDURING. THERE IS JOY ON THE OTHER SIDE, BUT IT'S JUST HIDDEN FROM YOUR VIEW FOR NOW. BELIEVE IT'S THERE, ASK FOR HELP, DABBLE WITH SOME SSRI'S, IMMERSE YOURSELF IN GOOD THERAPY + A MINDFULNESS PRACTICE LIKE MEDITATION, BE KIND TO YOURSELF, AND YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE LONG.

You won't be exactly the same as you were before, as my psychiatrist/neurologist told me when I sobbed, "Will I ever be the same?" He said that I'd find ways to compensate (that's what the brain does), would barely notice the differences, and I'd probably end up with a kinder heart towards myself and others.

Keep hanging on. It will be worth it.