Hi.

I'm not losing any sleep. I take a pill for that. If I didn't I would NEVER sleep. I am the only one who takes care of this man. We have nobody. Absolutely EVERYTHING is on me. For the past 14 years (since my son left home to do his thing and never came back), everything is on me.

It's gets EXTREMELY exhausting when everything is on one's shoulders. I have spent countless nights in a hospital chair next to his bed (this was in every hospital he went to). I am the one who cleaned him up (the nurses did nothing). I am the one who helped the nurse change his linens. I got him the water and the paper cups. And I'm the one who walked the corridors (these hospitals are so big, you can't find where the room is). I had doctors tell me 'We can't even find the rooms we need to find'. The numbering system in this hallways do not let you find the rooms. The hallways are hundred's of feet long. I walked them several times a day because I had to go and find the cafeteria to get something to eat. Then, when I couldn't stay overnight any more, I had to walk the long hallways again, go down escalators and wait for a taxi to go home because as I said previously, I am alone in all of this.

Next morning, I got up and did it all over again. This went on for months. Forget what this cost me in cab fare. And now I find myself awaiting a pathologist report (don't worry, I hear you, I'm not losing my head over this).

I'm just tired of all this being on me. And I laughed when someone said: "go out to dinner and half a glass of wine'. Alan is NOT the type of man who would ever suggest this or do this.

See, he has Peripheral Neuropathy, psoriasis and god only knows what else. I have severe arthritis and this morning I could barely move. Thank god I took two advil (which I never take). Never. I have to be in real pain for me to take any kind of pain killers. Normally, I move around and I get to doing what I need to do. But I'm the one who cleans the house, does the shopping, (thank god I use laundry service), I'm the one who arranges stuff. Sometimes it gets a bit much when it's all one your shoulders. I'm just getting tired of all this stuff on my shoulders.

My son should be here helping me. He is not and never will be. It's just hard sometimes. That's why I worry. And about everyone dying? Here's my theory on that.

We are all energy. Energy can neither be created or destroyed. We are all energy so when our time is up, we just transform. Into what? Who knows. That's how I see death. It's comforting to me to think like this. Works for me.

Let's just smile and hope for the best and I do thank you all for thinking of me. I just wish my relatives would do the same. Never going to happen.

Love, Melody