Hi.

My salvation is that every night about 6:30 p.m. I sit on the porch with my landlord (who is my best friend), her daughter and all the neighbors come by and comment on my new wig. I became a blonde (as you can see from my profile picture). I get such a kick that no one recognizes me, that they all think it's my own hair and we have a ball. Alan sometimes joins us but with the Turp and the catheter, well, it's been awhile. But it doesn't end there.

At about 8:30 p.m. all I have to do is walk a few yards to the corner (and I take my landlord with me) and we join all my friends who just sit up in the back and have their Dunkin Donuts coffee and cake and we all laugh ourselves silly because all of them have stories to share. They love hearing Alan stories. He has a female fan club. They even phoned him in the hospital and when he came home. They are compassionate caring people. Some of them are even care givers during the day and they come to Dunkin to unwind. I stay as long as I wish because Alan is only a phone call away and I sometimes go back up and just peek in and he's just fine.

And because I speak French and most of the Dunkin staff are from French Morocco, the look on people's faces when they hear me is enough to make one laugh out loud. I speak 5 languages and I get to practice when I'm there. I like learning stuff. Even at my age.

So during the day I take care of my house and him, and at night (weather permitting) I do my socialization. Thank god for that. They even go there during the winter so I always have someplace to go and sit and just chill for an hour or so. I know absolutely everyone in my neighborhood and we all look out for each other. So I do have a support system (emotionally) but as far as cooking, cleaning, serving, folding, cleaning bathrooms, getting in and out of taxis (that's the hard part), going to hospitals, back and forth, well it would have helped if my son had been there for us. He never will be and THAT is what is the saddest of all. I quit a perfectly good job because I had no choice. Believe me, I was a multi lingual administrative assistant and made good money back in the day. But I had to make a choice, so I chose to stay at home, and do typing for judges and lawyers and I got nothing in return for that. Adult children will do what they will do and my son even told me a few years ago when I asked him "Why did you leave, you had a family"? He said the following to me and I have an Idetic memory so I remember every conversation I have eve had.

He said "Let me ask you something, would you have let me stay at home, you support me, I don't have to work, I could stay home, go on my computer, play my games and you would take care of me?" I responded (this was over the phone), I said "What the h kind of mother does that"? He said "Now you know why I left". It seemed he planned the whole thing. He said "I always knew I would never work". He had a full scholarship to college. He was a genius. He graduated, left home and began a journey of gambling and gaming, that no one would believe and that was 14 years ago when Second Life and World of Warcraft and god knows what other games had just started to come out. Gaming controlled his life. And look what's happened since? You can't pass a kid on the street without seeing their faces in some phone,playing some game, going on FB and doing nasty stuff. I see this all the time.

But I digress. I have rarely spoken about this. Everything we did was for nothing, and I think that triggered Alan's severe psoriasis outbreak. He has never been the same. And the best? I once asked my own family "How come you never ask about my son"? And I was told "Well, we are so uncomfortable, we don't know what to say" So they never phone or do anything.

It is what it is. Thank god I got help and my friend who is also a fellow sprouter and happens to be a psychologist put it this way "your son is not the child you raised". So I put up boundaries and up they will stay.

It really changed my perspective on life. But one has to survive

Melody

P.S. Oh I have a new wig. I now look completely different. rofl.