when all is said and done
at the end
i am alone
to reflect
on the day just gone by
i found myself in thought
just a couple of days ago

it was the 90's
things were at a major
turning point in my life
i entered a fellowship
that is still in my life
not how it was in the good old days
situations would keep me from going
nevertheless
and much else followed
only for the better
anyone in a recovery program
understands what i mean
when i say
i am blessed and would not have it
any other way
for it is what i was taught
and applied where applicable
"it works when you work it"

it is out of a deep dark place
i realized
there is a easier softer way
i didn't need a drink to calm down
it was a new way of doing and handling
most all situations
now had a new positive flavor
real stuff
real awesome stuff

so,
having control of myself
myself only
i exercise my voice
and
make no mistake
make absolute certain
i am heard
so therefore
there are no mistakes
where i am coming from

they no where i stand
my entire family that is

i will not ever again
extend myself again
as the pain is that great

i am who i am
i learning slowly
that things have changed
and a turn for the worse
it is the three of us now
three generations
have a new understanding
actually three tries
anyone understand
an appreciation
and understanding
i can understand the type of cries
my children might exhibit
frustration
is not even the word to use here

yet in the end if i or Corissa or Eva
ever to be a thought
is yet to be had
is this what family is about today
lets see what i can take
and abandon ship
as the burden is a result of
financial hardship

it is frightening to say the least
in God i trust
my fear is real
to not take a person that offered to take care of my children and make my life easier was available several times in my life being single
a conscious decision made at the age of twenty four
and again after my seventeen year old

and yet again
after all that was said and done
was done

now sick
maimed as my
breast reconstruction was botch
talked about enough times
and surely
as i express to my shrink
what are the chances of ever having a real
honest possibility is slim

not to make the mistake
the recent friend i mention
someone i went to grammar school with
is someone i can spend that kind of time with
if desired on my part
he was the last i was with before the surgery
he for some odd reason called after to see how i was

this is someone i cannot have the kind of companionship
with as he is divorced and we had such fun whenever together
two or three times a year
and it is like this as what he has to offer is temporary
yet genuine honest and adult
he drinks i do not

now a chance
as i was a thaught
is the one i'd love to sit
and eat crab legs with
and talk about old times
in the end
i have a choice

yet i'm not up to it
he said
how it was a great idea

i'm frightened
does anyone understand

love
me