Oh, my dear Debi,

PLEASE do not feel this way. Nothing you could have done would change matters. We do not have any power when it comes to life and death.

My oldest niece lost her mother yesterday and she is having guilt feelings about not being a good enough daughter. Feeling that she should have never moved out of state. And on and on with all sorts of feelings that attack herself.

It seems that the ones that are left behind to grieve have these feelings. What if's? And many of them. Guilt feelings about the smallest of things. Maybe it is a female thing as I have had many a female mention it but never a male. Is it just that they don't voice it or do they not have those feelings? I don't know.

You are NOT alone. There were times when I would scream out loud in my empty home, "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?" after a loved one died.

I went through so many what if's, I lost count. I reviewed my entire life with all the little tiny things where I felt I had been selfish and not catered to my loved one as much as I should have done.

I can't tell you that these feelings will pass in time as I STILL have them from time to time but I can tell you that it will get easier and the thoughts will lessen.

This is a time when you are raw with emotions. Some of the reality is just starting to set in as it has only been 3 weeks. You spent your entire adult life with Bubba so the past 3 weeks have been just a split second in time by comparison and something that will take time. This is a huge adjustment and the loss is so very painful.

I don't think Bubba would want you to beat yourself up, do you? You can honor him by being kind to yourself. Try to think about what his wishes are for you. He sent you the dragon flies, he is by your side even though there are times when you can't feel his presence, his spirit is still with you.

I know how much you want him back, but I also believe you would not want him back if his life was to be in pain, struggling for each breath, delirious, and not understanding his surroundings. It would break your heart to watch him suffer. I know you would take him anyway you could, but watching him spend each day suffering would not be your wish.

Yes, I hear you. I feel your emotional suffering. Yes, it would be GREAT to have Bubba back, but the Bubba you knew before his surgery. I know you don't want the Bubba that he had declined into the last few days.

As much as we would like to, we can't turn back the clock. I am so sad and so sorry that there are no words of consolation at this time that will make you feel better. It is just going to take time for you to feel all the emotions that you will encounter and move through and beyond them. Each day will be a struggle but you will find the strength to move on when the time comes. You don't have to be strong NOW. Let yourself grieve. YELL, SCREAM, CRY. Do whatever you need to do to cope.

PLEASE do not go to the unreasonable guilt and what if's. They will not change things now or before now. You did everything imaginable for Bubba. You sacrificed and pushed yourself into a lot of physical pain in order to be there for him. You pushed yourself even more than you thought your body could possibly endure in order to do for Bubba. It was your love that did that.

I do not understand why things happen the way they do but I do know that we are not in control. We do not have that power.

Your feelings are normal and we feel your pain and suffering. We are here.

If you can't scream out loud at home because of your Mom, SCREAM at and with us. We are here and we understand.