St. George,

You are having a very common and human reaction to tragedy and loss. It is natural to question if anything could have been done differently. This is you working through the shock and denial and working towards "bargaining" where a person tries desperately to understand some way things could be different.

Please don't give yourself a hard time. I cannot imagine what you could've done differently. And had you known, would the outcome actually have changed? I don't know what type of surgery your husband had but I do know a lot about hospital induced delirium having worked in medical and psychiatric facilities for many years. I transferred many a patient in for care of that very problem. I never saw a patient with such compromised O2 levels. What you have described leads me to believe there was something else going on medically and perhaps anoxic damage was contributing to your husbands agitation.

I think if you feel comfortable with his doctors then it is reasonable to accept that they advised you wisely that there was nothing more to be done. Most intensivists cling to their patient's lives and don't advise hospice unless there really are no other options.

I am so sorry for the rent you carry in your heart. I hope there is some comfort in the nurses statement that everyone was where they were supposed to be. I believe this is true. I am so grateful that your husband did not pass in the hospital or in transport. That he was in a comfortable place and had a little peace ahead of time. You are doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. Walking around with a big hole in your heart and feeling leaky. That is enough, no need to blame yourself on top of it!

We are all thinking of you and carrying you with us. I am sending love and thoughts of peace and respite.

Did you make that ocean trip? Go, go... And let the healing wash over you.