Hey, uh.. all you possibly-hundreds out there.

I'm Ash. I'm here because a friend suggested a support group of sorts because of the meltdowns and anxiety I keep experiencing that my doctor will do nothing about.

I've had recurring depression for 6 years that always comes back worse than before. Many deliberate suicide attempts that somehow failed. I was on three different ADs, they all fried my brain and my thinking and worsened the situation, so I quit taking them. The last one did relieve my severe low, but I fear it is coming back. That's why I'm here. I keep experiencing these.. "dark episodes" of intense crying and trembling and the need to be held but there's no one around so.. I deal with it on my own at night in my room. It usually leads to a panic attack. I don't know why it's happening.

I also have panic/anxiety disorder, which is getting worse, and I find myself constantly terrified of every possible health problem I may have, begging to be taken to hospitals and doctors for tests; I never used to be like this at all. Then there's BPD, and DP/DR (depersonalization/derealization). I've also had a lot of identity problems in the past few years, and have gone from transgender to questioning, back to transgender, then to agender, and back to transgender and it keeps changing. I've changed my name probably 7 times now.

Finally, I've started to suspect schizophrenia. Not only because of the new symptoms I've been dealing with, but because I recently found out my dad has been diagnosed with it and is on medication for his outbreaks of anger.

Less about health, more about me. I'm a HS drop-out, but I have taken courses in university and have passed. I'm really into music and play a lot of instruments, sing.. not so into art anymore because of self-hatred and frustration, but I still draw sometimes. I don't write as often anymore and am solely writing fanfiction these days, lol. Because I'm not in school or college and I've been unable to (1) get myself to go out and get a job and (2) find something that wouldn't drive my anxiety through the roof, and because of a lack of friends and interest in spending any time with family anymore, I spend a looottttt of time in my room on Tumblr or listening to music. My life has amounted to nothing but I have no current options to change it.

So there's that. I'm distant, keep almost everything to myself, struggling with an ED, deal with occasional violent rages, incredibly strange, geeky, funny (I always to make others laugh), thoughtful.. I dunno, I see a lot of flaws with myself so I don't really focus on the good.

:1 Sorry this is so long.

-Ash