View Single Post
Old 10-04-2015, 10:41 AM
Diandra's Avatar
Diandra Diandra is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Connecticut USA
Posts: 549
15 yr Member
Diandra Diandra is offline
Member
Diandra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Connecticut USA
Posts: 549
15 yr Member
Default Need objective advice....

As I wrestle with this issue, I thought I would ask you all for your opinions.
Sometimes I think I am too close to look at this issue without a mountain of emotions clouding my judgement.
( Sorry, this is like a soap opera)

Some history:
5 years ago, after my father died, my mother was alone, in her home, a 3 hr drive from me. My 3 brothers, who all live much closer to her, or their spouses/kids were NOT helping her. I was driving up all the time to hire caregivers, take her to doc, etc. At the time, she had mild dementia. She was 88 then. She had never lived alone In her entire life.

I told her, due to my health issues, I could not continue handling her life long distance and gave her the choice of moving to assisted living or moving in with us. My brothers offered no help. Have always treated me like handling my parents issues and life was MY job. I love my parents, they were wonderful parents and I have been happy to help.

She moved in with us, to a spare bedroom. I cared for her daily. After a year, We realized, our house was too tiny for any of us to have privacy and we said, we would build an apt on our house or she can move to a facility near us. I conferred with my brothers because I was using some of her money to build the apt($50K of hers, $15k of ours). One brothers take was,, if you take any money out for apt, you have to pay it back to her account when she dies. (this brother also lived rent and food free for 8 yrs after a divorce..my Mom did his cooking and laundry)
I said, what about the daily care we give her, provide all her food, her utilities, chaffeur, etc. and never are compensated for that? He didn't care, yet when we have to be away and I ask he and his wife to take her for a week or two, they always say no, they are too busy(he is retired, wife works part time). Other brother ignores my requests but my oldest brother and his wife are helpful and felt it was fine to use her money, did not have to pay anything back.

Here is the issue:
I have been out of work on disability for many yrs, yet still cared for my parents and took my Mom in 4 yrs ago. In March of this year, I got cancer. I asked my brothers to help care for my Mom while I went through treatment. Only one brother offered help and he took her to his home.

My Mom has been at his home for 5 months. Due to all the changes in our lives, my husband has decided to retire early 2016 and we will be moving and NOT taking my mother as we are moving far from family.

I have asked my brother to tell her because I thought telling her over the phone is cruel(she has dementia) and he said, NO, I have to tell her. I said, you are suggesting I travel 3 hrs to tell her this? Can't you help me here? Every time I call, she asks when can she come home. This makes me think she is not happy there. I do know my brother and his wife have alcoholic issues and a big disagreement we have is, they let her drink as much wine as she wants, where I limit her to one glass a day, per doc orders. They leave the wine out and she drinks what she wants and it seems they just leave her alone all day, plunked in front of the TV with the remote.
Every time I call, that is what she is doing.

I gave them $3000 and my Moms credit card to pay for anything she needs, food, scripts, haircuts, anything. In the 5 months, there have only been two charges on her credit card, for a liquor store. This makes me think, is she getting her hair cut, are they refilling her scripts, taking her anywhere for entertainment? . I think they are just letting her sit there all day, alone.
Every time I ask my brother anything, he says he doesn't know, to ask his wife.
I call and text and she never answers and now they are asking for more money.
I said, you have her credit card which can be used for almost anything.
For the life of me, I cannot fathom why they won't use it.

I asked two nieces to stop by and just give me an idea of what is going on but, that never happens.

My brother said my Mom can stay living with them. I think she should be in assisted living, or at minimum, have someone come over every day to help entertain her and get her away from drinking wine and watching TV all day.

I am looking for advice on how to tell her she is not coming back here and advice on moving her to assisted living vs staying with my brother and his family,
where the care is not great but at least he has a lot of grown kids and grandkids and activity in his home(our home is just me and my husband and very little activity ).

Thanks for ready this really long post...I have been agonizing over this.
Diandra
Diandra is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
ger715 (10-04-2015), Hopeless (10-04-2015), St George 2013 (10-04-2015)