Hi guys

I'm a 31 year old male from Melbourne Australia who has had a range of events happen that has lead me to this forum ...I have always believed I had struggled with depression and anxiety but I never seemed helped, I would deal with it by using alcohol or having people around me to take my mind off it, I have always had health anxiety due to being unwell and always think the worse..



I want to touch on a few experiences in the past 4-5years that has lead me to this point of depression that I have no idea how to handle, let me just say that as a child and in my teens I seen a lot and had a lot of family turmoil that I'm sure still is unresolved and lends hand to how I feel..



anyway in 2012- I lost my long time girlfriend to the jehovah witnesses and it was a lot to handle, I have had so many bad relationships and this one I thought was " the one" I understand break ups but this was way out of left field, I feel like I was completely lied to and I don't even know the women I was sleeping next to, she left for the witnesses and never returned or even returns my phone calls or texts it's like she never existed



2013- I wake up with a array of neurological issues out of seemingly what felt like no where, muscle tremors, jolts, twitches, weakness and are whole host of other things. I was rushed to hospital and for the next year was going through diagnosing testing for ALS a non curable disease that will kill you in four years, I still am ongoing with these symptoms today without a diagnosis but it am pretty much bed ridden most days, the dr's are currently sending me for other tests that are not very nice to have if they are seen as positive so my anxiety is huge and I don't know If all these new symptoms are anxiety physical manifestations on top..

2014- I had one friend who was with me through all this he came into the hospital visits and what not and was there all the time, we had been friends for 15 years, closer than family and out of the blue he disappeared with a women be met and I have seen him maybe 2-3 times since and I tried to reach out and ask what happened? And he just is so wrapped up in the girl he can't see the neglect on the friendship level so now I'm alone with this illness, the unknown and depression to make matters worse..

2015- I get a knock at the door my dad died of a heart attack, out of no where, didn't get to even say goodbye and he was the one person who could give me mental support even tho he had so many demons and was a gambling addict and got into all sorts of drama that put strain on our relationship.. It was the first close death I have ever been through and I still am severely confused and haven't dealt with that..



Just to to mention my mum and dad were never together, my mum isn't really in the picture and my grandparents on my dad's side is where I'm staying ATM but my family are not supportive, they don't know how to be supportive and are not even intelligent enough to understand depression or illness or anything, they don't even come with me for scary dr's appointments I am completely alone..



Lately i I just don't know what to do, I'm pacing with worry, I'm forgetful, I can't relax, can't concentrate I feel line I need to check myself into some support centre if they even exist? I just don't feel like me at all and I don't know my identity as everyone I loved and was close to have died or left and on top of that I'm concerned about my future health with all the scary symptoms and possible diagnosis going on..



I'm on no medication at all and I have just started seeing a psychologist but I honestly don't find it helpful for the level of depression/anxiety I am feeling, I don't smile, I don't laugh, I break out crying at the drop of a hat in my own company.. I feel dead and hopeless inside..



i need support, understanding... I am not suicidal but I feel I'm loosing my mind if that makes sense? I feel I have broken down completely and all my nervous system and senses are going haywire.. Please if anyone has any sound advice please reply..