First: I want to ask something about suicidal thoughts. I don't know if it is considered triggering, if it is; sorry and I'll delete it

I want to know if this is recognisable.
The thoughts about suicide aren't active ones. Not like planning to do this or that. or at that precise moment. I am however sometimes looking online at ways to do it.
It's more like giving me peace at moments I'm not being able to take it any more. The thought of the possibility is comforting. And that is probably not very healthy.

When I'm terrible stressed, in panic, in pain, I sometimes tell myself: if it really all goes downhill so fast, there is always suicide. It's not a solution for now, but it is a possible one in the future when it's neccesary. "If everything you're afraid of goes wrong, you simple kill yourself and that's that." Those thoughts can give me some peace when nothing else helps.

I feel totally crazy having those thoughts, but on the other hand it's not up for discussion and I want to keep thinking it because 1) it helps me at those moments, 2) for me it is a realistic option 3) I have the right and will not call it suicide but more likely rational suicide / self euthanesia.
(Note, I have multiple diseases like a neuromusculair disease and blood disease, hence my believe of not really calling it suicide and my pain/disabilities/etc are a big factor in my thoughts)

Is there anyone out there who recognises this?
I hope I don't sound fully crazy. I'm not, I'm just tired.