Hi Ravenclaw,
Well you are right, it's not healthy
I would like to gently suggest you seek the help of a Mental Health Professional.
I was once very depressed and suicidal and I could no longer cope. My perception was my family would have a better life without me. You see, when depression takes over to that point the person is no longer rational.
When the depression and hopelessness lifted it scared me to know how close to the edge I had been and how devastated my husband and children would have been. I have felt very thankful I never followed through.
One of the experiences I have had (more than once) is suicidal thoughts with and without depression. These experiences happened because of medication side effects.
When I was a kid and was suicidal I tried to talk to my mother and she told me I didn't have the guts to do it. Wow, not a compassionate person
What I learned through all of my experiences is it take more "guts" to NOT commit suicide then to do it.
You may want to post over on the "survivors of suicide" forum. I know they would be more than willing to talk to you and will give you another perspective on this topic.
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html
Take care Ravenclaw