The time I've been afraid for, for many years now is soon here. In a few days my love is going to die, after knowing he will for a few years now. He was always too strong and everytime his illness almost took over, he just fought back and he still enjoyed life.

I've always been so scared, believing I would go crazy without him. Even thinking about his body suddenly not breathing anymore, or knowing his body is buried, or the big emptiness in my life after all those years of having him with me and taking care of him was just too much. I cried hysterically a lot of times. I sometimes even needed pills or abused some alcohol to cope and to hang in there. I sincerely believed I would be going to a mental hospital after he died because I just don't even know who I am without him. I love him more than life.

But now, when he is almost gone, I don't feel that much. And that scares me even more.
It would be nice if I could just feel this way because I am in peace knowing he soon will not suffer anymore, and it's for the best. But I'm not sure if that's what it is.
Yes I sometimes cry, yes I hold him and want to keep holding him. But I don't feel pain or sadness.

I'm so scared this is not a good sign...
Will I collapse or will my brain not be able to handle it after he's gone? Doc says (and we all know it too) it's a matter of hours or days. I'm scared I'm in some kind of automatic state and will have an attack of too intense grief soon. I'm so, so scared.

Can someone relate?