I must admit it scares me. Not feeling. The first days I cried, now I don't even feel anything anymore when looking at his pictures or even videos where I can hear him.
It's like watching someone I don't know, or not even that because that would give me some feelings, thoughts, emotions.
I only cry because I hate that I don't feel anything when thinking about him. I don't even miss his presence in the house or something.
I still feel stuff, but not when it concerns him.

I'm kind of scared because at the end of the month (starting around 20th) I always get crazy because of a combination of hormonal disturbances (pms) and my drugs (prednisone amongst many others). At normal times I have a few days of intense, extreme emotional pain, crying, and thinking about suicide a lot.
So scared of what I will feel when those days come. My family knows about it, but I don't want those days to come.

My life feels like nothing. Why bother. I don't know why I should because I'm always in pain (physically and mentally), I can't do much, need so much pills to even breath and now my love is gone. What is the use? I don't want to stay alive just to enjoy stupid little things like birds or sun.
My head hurts