Bizi, You never upset me

The first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my mother and grammy were horrible. I miss them and the rest of my lost loved ones during the holidays, but not to the point where my holidays have been filled with sadness. I have a lot of good memories of the holidays when my family members were on their best behavior, and they surface then.

Last year I was so out of it, I was mostly unaware of the upcoming holidays. When I was alone at my dad's I remember buying Christmas gifts for my nephews and getting a card in the mail from my aunt- that is it. The timing of my s/s attempt had nothing to do with the holidays. It could have been the fourth of July and I wouldn't have known the difference.
I don't remember anything about the holidays themselves because I was GONE at that point.

I'm avoiding the holidays because of the family members I need to avoid. They've had almost a year to try to reach out to me in a meaningful way and they have not. I'm not the type of person who deals well with pretending everything's okay. They don't deserve it, and I don't need to expose myself to a toxic environment.

I know that things are going to get difficult because the anniversary of the s/s attempt is coming up. I was highly paranoid, but there were a lot of (expletived) up REAL events that pushed me over the edge, and they're already on my mind making me angry...
My husband HATES, ABSOLUTELY HATES most of my family, and especially my father, his wife and her family mostly (but not in all cases) because of the events leading up to my s/s attempt. And, as I said, I have my own unresolved issues and alluded to some hatred of my own...

Last night I told my husband that the best thing we can do is to NOT discuss any of these people or events. He needs to avoid going on any tirades, and he needs to help redirect me if I start. It can only fuel the fire.
I also need to suck it up and add in a couple extra therapy appointments.

If I need to get it all out, I can go to the SOS forum.