I talked to my father today and it triggered a lot of bad memories about events leading up to my s/s attempt that he was complicit in. I still have a relationship with him despite it.

I talk to him on the phone regularly, but have only seen him once in the last year even though he lives 15min away. He's going back to FL again. I've been telling him I want to see him before he goes to FL. It's just been excuses, but this time it became clear to me that he just doesn't want to see me. I don't know if it's his wife, guilt, the scar, or what, but it's (expletive) up...

'Tis the season for me to naturally rehash these events, as the s/s attempt was Dec. 23rd. It leaves me wondering why in the hell I want to talk to him, let alone see him...

Our relationship is based on the foundation of my denial. Right now I'm seeing things very clearly and I'm very angry. I'm not so sure that this is a bad thing. I don't know why I'm fighting for this kind of relationship, since it is sickeningly dysfunctional and obviously one-sided.

I feel compelled to call him and tell him to go (expletive) himself and I'm coming to get what's left of my (expletive) out of his house and then be done with him. But I have a tdoc appointment tomorrow. She's actually going to get something out of me this time.

I'm have a feeling I'm going to have to log some serious therapy hours over the next couple of months.

I wrote a much longer post that required some HEAVY editing on my part. I apologize if you had to read it.