My aunt called my father's wife yesterday and left a message. No call back yet. I'm hoping it's because the ***** was still driving and didn't regard the call as urgent. My aunt's back to work today, and she'll be unable to answer the phone and talk if she gets a call while she's working. My aunt thinks her call will be returned. I'm not so sure. The ***** will likely expect some nefarious motive for the call, and perhaps have my father return the call instead.

There is no one else in my family who cares enough to get involved with the exception of my other aunt, but my father and his wife won't speak to her over something petty and childish.

I've decided that if my aunt can't get my dad's wife to call her back, I will call her myself. The best thing I could hope for is for the call to go straight to voicemail right away and leave as much as I can in the form of a message appealing to her love for my father. If she did answer the phone, she'd likely berate me with burning insults and swears and hang up. If she did, I would keep calling and swallow the insults repeatedly if she wouldn't let me speak- until she stopped answering and I could leave the message.

This isn't solely about concerns about my father. It stirs up memories and feelings about my s/s attempt and the events leading up to it at a time when I'm already vulnerable, but denial is preventing me from viewing my father from being the villain in any way. It's about him, but it's about me, but it's because everything I went through that I have a greater sense of urgency to do everything I can to try to keep him safe. It's a mind ****.

I'm starting to show cracks now...
I've started to have intrusive thoughts again, I'm experiencing unpleasant imagery (especially troubling), and have been having some skipping, racy thoughts (hopefully due to anxiety).

There hasn't been any increase in energy or decreased need for sleep. And I don't experience OCD symptoms during hypomania. I'm not showing any overt symptoms of depression either. I think all my symptoms are due to anxiety, but I feel like these things are signaling that my stability is in jeopardy.

When I started taking Seroquel it was pretty effective in controlling the intrusive thoughts and unpleasant imagery...

When I was really struggling with GAD, pdoc was talking about 50-100mg of Seroquel w/wo the Klonopin. I just took 50mg of Seroquel on top of 1.5mg of Klonopin to see if it helps with the imagery or intrusive thoughts.

I see her Wednesday. We'll probably be back to weekly or biweekly appointments again to monitor things closely
I'm going to start documenting things again. If I do swing, both Seroquel and Neurontin can be lowered or raised as needed.

Other concerns have faded, but they're still there. Just off in a far corner of my mind.