Thank you very much for those poems. I've read them a few times already.

I live my life automatically these last few days. Get up, eat, sleep, etcetera.
I don't feel sadness. I don't cry when I'm with others talking about him. Sometimes I cry when I'm alone. It's not that I'm ashamed of crying or something, it just isn't there when I'm with others. Everyone is saying how well I cope and that they're happy to see me still enjoying things.

But, I don't....

What I do feel is guilt, anger and most of all confusion. This is my main emotion. Why doesn't my heart clench watching at his pictures? Etc.

I enjoy people around me, the ones I love. What I can't stand however, is people from "outside". People asking, is he gone? (They talked to others or noticed something). Or asking anything about him or me really. It makes me want to puke and I really can't handle people who don't have the right to ask those questions. I want to scream: go away, leave me alone!
It's too personal and I don't want to talk to people about more than "nice weather, good day" nonsense if I only know their face and name because we're neighbours.

I hate myself for me such an anti-social cranky person, but I really can't seem to face people who ask me those questions I don't think they have the right to ask imo. I don't know I must me crazy or depressed.
I need him so much