Laupala, I feel like your post could have been written by me. Paragraphs 5 & 6 resonate particularly loudly with me. They echo my thoughts and feelings exactly.

My husband has been telling me for months that he feels my resistance to this new me is hindering my happiness and ability to continue to heal and move forward. Even though I've been affected by pcs for over a year now, I often find myself falling into old habits or doing things my former self could handle but this current me suffers dire consequences.

It is extremely difficult for me to accept my limitations without feeling like I am failing at life and my career. I am not the mother, wife, friend or teacher I used to be and I am at constant war with myself over what I still feel I should be able to handle and who I now am in this world. I am used to being fiercely independent and manager/multi-tasker extraordinaire of our busy household of six.

Some positives: My husband has stepped up and taken on a much larger role in managing the household to lessen my obligations. While things are often not done to my standards, the bills are paid, and the house and children are reasonably clean, happy and we're all fed! Tnings like sweeping doesn't happen near as frequently as I would like, but I know there are bigger things to focus on.

Another huge positive: I did return to my teaching career this past September after being out all last year. I've had to do some major adjusting in how I approach my job and deal with the daily demands. It's been a tremendous challenge and many days I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. I'm not the teacher I was and I'm not sure what I'm doing is sustainable or worth the physical and emotional consequences I've been experiencing. Will that change if I figure out how to accept where I am at right now? Hard to say, but perhaps I would cope a little better and therefore put my mind in a better state for continued healing.

I think, for me, it is difficult to accept this new self when the new me is a person I do not like very much. How does one accept a self they do not want to be?