Hi again Jarrett and Sue:

Want to hear something interesting?? I have neve had a panic attack in my life. I watched someone have one once. Not pretty. They called an ambulance and it was an 18 year old having the attack. Someone said "don't worry, he's only having a panic attack, he gets them all th time". The ambulance came, gave him oxygen, and he was fine in no time.

Now i have no idea what precipitate this. But I witnessed it. And in others. You would think, me being a phobic, would freak out when I was going to the dentist. But no, I didn't freak out. I was just frightened to death. I finally found my phobia guy and the only time I took a xanax during the daytime was when I had a dental appointment. Took the edge off. I take one to sleep also. I sleep 8 hours straight.

Other than that, I have learned (and don't ask me how I did this, my friends can't do this, they don't understand how I do this, believe me). I have just let go of my anxiety about my son being a compulsive gambler, and his having aspergers. He lives 3000 miles away. I have absolutely no control over his behavior. He might end up in jail because he has no conscience and would commit a crime if he could get away with it. He has told me this.

I used to cry and go nuts (never had a panic attack though). I spoke to a psychiatrist (at a neuropathy meeting no less, and this was 4 years ago). He told me "you better put up those boundaries, these asperger kids are coming out of the woodwork". Now I didn't know what he meant but we talked for half an hour. Imagine getting to speak to a psychiatrist for free for 30 minutes and he was there because he had neuropathy!!!

He was the nicest doctor. He saw my bewilderment and he counseled me. I never forgot his advice. I joined asperger support groups, forums, and gamanon support groups. I even went to a Gamanon meeting.

My god, all those mothers with dead eyes, and the son still lived with them and the did not have the strength to kick the kids out. They just gave them money.

I just looked at them. I have never given my son a dime. He knew I wouldn't and that's why he moved out.

I've had a lot of adjustments to make. I feel this way, "it will either kill me or make me stronger". I just want to become stronger.

Hey, not easy. It's an every day struggle not to go crazy over our children.

But I do my thing, one step at a time.

Love you both.
Melody