I've been under a lot of stress lately...

The imagery and intrusive thoughts I mentioned were triggered because my father confided in me last month that he was contemplating s/s. His personal finances are in ruins and his business, which is a large part of his identity, is in jeopardy. I know what a risk that presents. Thankfully, he has since gotten help, but the worries are still there. He has to continue to want to get better and he has to remain compliant. Antidepressants can take time and a lot of tweaking.

I have MS, but am dealing with 2 other health concerns. I have to wait for testing in early January and March before I'll have more answers. The waiting is difficult.

Prior to my s/s attempt I got a DUI and have been without my license for almost a year. The process of getting it back has been a never ending source of anxiety. I now need to go to an evaluation and have substance abuse counseling before I can make any further attempt to get my license back.
The counseling could take weeks to months, the cost of the evaluation and counseling services are going to be very expensive, and my husband and I aren't exactly flush.

I was sober for 3mo following my s/s attempt and only drank a beer or two every month after that until I had to stop taking Lithium again because of another bout of toxicity. A med change led to agitated mania- HELL ON EARTH. I drank 4 beers the first night to try to slow down and get some sleep. But the next morning I realized how dangerous drinking was, and I couldn't afford to lose control. So I put a sign on the fridge in big bold red letters reading "NO MORE BEER." I was in control enough to lock myself out of my apartment and call 911 when the s/s thoughts hit. I spent 11 days in the hospital. I have no doubt I would be dead if I had kept drinking. I've been sober since Jul 20th.

I probably could have gotten out of the DUI if I hired a lawyer, but instead I plead guilty and accepted responsibility. The DUI itself is not my issue...

Thinking about the substance abuse counseling naturally has me thinking about why I stopped drinking in the first place... I'm an alcoholic and I need to be able to recognize the subtler signs of a bipolar episode early so I can get treatment before my life is in danger again.
But memories surrounding my s/s attempt are surfacing because of all this. I was sober when I did it, but I was manic and mostly drunk for the 4mo preceding it. The events leading up to it were messy. I was very ill, but I was also pushed.

I've been pretty good at redirecting myself when I've been stressed out lately, but sometimes it takes time. And I'm trying very hard not to indulge myself in these thoughts. The substance abuse evaluation isn't until January, so I'm hoping I can put it to the back of my mind soon so it doesn't continue to bring up these memories and trigger an episode.

My therapy appointment was Christmas Eve. Because of a cancellation it was moved up to the 22nd. That's the best I can get. I'm going to have to look into getting a new therapist. How can they tell you you need to be seen every week, or every other week, then not have anything available until a month later?