I was surprised at what came out at my therapy appointment...

I reflected on how long I was misdiagnosed as BPII. For almost 8yrs when I wasn't hypomanic, I was living like a zombie, snowed on a ton of meds. My hypomanic episodes far outnumbered my periods of depression- I can only remember needing an antidepressant a handful of times. Despite an uptick in hypomanic episodes over a period of two years (while still on those heavy meds), the meds were rarely, if ever, adjusted and the BPII diagnosis was never re-evaluated. I went over all the warning signs that were missed, among them several self-reported periods of paranoia that were dismissed. I want those years back.

I can't help but wonder what those years would have been like if I was diagnosed correctly earlier and was put on the right meds... And the big unanswerable question is: Would I have ended up trying to take my own life if I was?

I talked about having a split personality in regards to my drinking. Moderate drinker when stable vs. alcoholic in the presence of hypo/mania (I know I'm an alcoholic, there is no split diagnosis). My drinking problem grew worse as my bipolar disorder became more unstable. I told tdoc about the substance abuse evaluation and counseling, talked about the importance of abstaining from alcohol, and reaffirmed my determination to remain sober. She does not think I need substance abuse counseling, but unfortunately, it's not up to her.

I expressed my frustration about another split... When I'm hypo/manic I don't have to deal with the fatigue and cognitive issues of MS. I've enjoyed a lot of things about being hypo over the years, but above all, I like feeling and being more functional. I sorely miss that when I return to baseline.

There's a split with OCD, too. I don't have time for it when I'm hypo. I have to pay more attention to this point because when those symptoms start to diminish, it's probably a good indication that an episode is around the corner.

I didn't directly address my s/s attempt except to talk about the effects it must have had on my husband and sister. I know this must be a particularly difficult time for my husband after everything I put him through. Not just after my s/s attempt- This has been a very hard year in general. He spent Christmas and Christmas Eve with me in the hospital, even though we were separated at the time. I want him to know that I realize how much pain I must have inflicted upon him, but it's a subject he simply doesn't want to talk about. I respect that. The anniversary is tomorrow.

After putting some things into perspective, all I had to offer was anger. I'm angry that I'm bipolar, I'm angry about all those missed opportunities, and I'm still very angry at myself.

I guess it was a productive visit. I don't feel any worse for wear.