It was a year ago today that I tried to take my own life. I was psychotic, but I remember everything about it. It's still difficult for me to look at the physical scars sometimes, and the psychological scars are infinitely worse.

I saw my therapist yesterday. I started putting things together and once I started talking I was all anger...

Over the last 8yrs or so when I wasn't hypomanic, I was zombified on a ton of meds. I was simply not functioning. I had s/s thoughts everyday. As my bipolar disorder became more unstable, I started drinking more heavily, and became an alcoholic. My marriage and other relationships suffered- That's the short story.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar II. Despite plenty of warning signs, that diagnosis was never re-evaluated. It wasn't until after my suicide attempt that I was finally diagnosed as Bipolar I.

I'm angry because of the years I lost. I'm left wondering what my life would have been like if I was correctly diagnosed and treated sometime in the last, oh, 20yrs... and if I would have ever tried to commit suicide if I was...?

I'm angry at myself. I didn't return to my NP after I had to stop taking lithium. I'm the one who chose to stay off my meds and not seek help when I knew I was symptomatic and still had enough control to ask for it. I have to live with the chaos I created in my own life over the four months of alcohol fueled mania before my s/s attempt because of those decisions. And I couldn't handle the chaos that others contributed...

I inflicted terrible pain on my husband. I think he suffers more from my actions than I do because I can ask for help now, and he never will.

I'm angry that I'm bipolar. I know that it's a disorder I'll have to struggle with for the rest of my life, and I know that my prognosis isn't good.
The most confusing part of my suicide attempt to me is that I wasn't overtly depressed- I was manic. Even though I was psychotic, I planned it, I was methodical, and it seemed like the logical thing to do at the time. How do you explain a disconnect like that?

This year has been HELL for me. It's tough to fight your way back to sanity, and learn how to live with something like this...

But I've had my victories. I've reconciled with my husband, become very proactive in my care, learned how to take back some control of my life, and I've been sober since July 20th.

I'm still working through things, and probably always will be to some extent, but I try to view my suicide attempt as a second chance. My life is both better and worse because of it. I value my life, and will do everything I can to keep it safe now.