Originally Posted by eva5667faliure

I am lost in my pain
It's one thing not able
Or rather just couldn't do anymore
trial and error
My use of MM
Is the only thing that keeps my mind from snapping
My pain is so great right now and in the last six weeks a flare up
my upper right back
I have been without a shirt or anything for that matter
My lower back just not worth talking about
But the pain is so great I just want to die
There is another seven minutes before I start my med intake
I have been on the same time upon intake
I feel once I begin messing with my clock my body has become used to regimen
I do not like having to take any
The withdrawal alone is freighting in itself
I am under medicated only because I fear becoming a zombie
It makes me so bloody angry
I just want to die
Just knowing my nerves are not calm
They are just burning this body up without fire
My waist just cut me in half
My hands feet just cut them off they do not work upon command
I drop everything
My neck and base of my skull
Someone please just bite it out
Just as a animal who hasn't eaten in weeks
Rip it out please
Just rip it out
MM has allowed me some respite
I cannot imagine not having it if need be
And I need be
Being a recovering alcoholic for twenty four years now
just drives me nuts
Alcohol the culprit for many
And there are many who do not loose their privileges to a few drinks
To have to know take opioids to give me some relief for my mechanical problems my spasms the small nerves like biting ants all on my back feet hands
Taking my meds is a huge mental battle
I have no choice in the matter
And to think I WILL go through severe withdrawals if I did not have them
And yet "I" know there sits a bottle on the shelf
Just three shots just three
And that numbing feeling just comes over you

Twenty four years for what
I am screaming in pain
Just kill me please
And yet I'm not ready to give up the fight yet
It is getting harder and harder
I have a couple of years left taking my tamoxifen
for having the breast cancer
That just hit me
I still can't believe I had my breasts taken off
to eradicate my disease
But why do I still feel like I am slowly dying
This is not how one should feel
Oh if I could explain the horrible feeling I have in my gut
It never fails me
I know something underlying is going on
I still have no explanation as to why the veins in my hands and feet swell burst and cause bruising
Go figure
No blood runs to the tips of my fingers
Or the tips of my toes
Only my maker knows my pain
And I am scared
Me