Stopping the hurt
I might as well have done away with myself
I am numb after what transpired yesterday
I will never forget it
My eldest struck me with the ham bone I was sending home with her for my dog
My daughter became vicious and never have I seen her so out of control
I have been a great mother to my children
After yesterday and what was said to me over monies that my children owe me over the years of helping them
And I mean in their adult life
I have tried and tried and asked for forgiveness of any pain I may have caused them in my drinking days
And let me just say
I was lucky that my children did not get killed by things that happens when one drinks
I have said all I could and showed them and taught them
Never did I see the ugliness money has caused this family to show their true colors
They are adults now
I will not reach out anymore it hurts too much to be around them
I ask my daughter when would it be that she was going to have this talk she promised me referencing to the obligation on paying me back the monies she owed
Well that was the end of whatever mother daughter relationship I have had with her
Her siblings did not like who she became and are estranged from each other
This family sicker than sick
However the fact of the matter is between both of them and what they owe me is enough to pay my car off twice
Why do I have to beg walk on eggs shells when brining up the subject
What my eldest did yesterday I will never forget as long as I live
Several years back
When Sara still lived with us
one year a gift given to her by me as appreciation for all she has gone thru and her help throughout her time as a member of the family
She made the same move her father pulled back way back to 1984
A beautiful solid gold necklace I had purchased him
A piece he threw back at me in a physical confrontation
Never did I give it back to him
It is one of the few pieces I still have and have worn it as a reminder never to make the same mistake again
It being a solid piece as is the necklace bracelet and ankle bracelet took it off yesterday handed it to me and said
"This should pay back what I owe"
I said really
You would give up what I have you as a gift with the meaning behind it killed me
I seen her father all over again
Then proceeded to say that should cover it
Never will I be paid back the money I gave my children
As they asked I gave with a clear understanding
Apparently that isn't the case
I had a very difficult time to see the kind of ugliness come out of her
It felt unnatural
Yet it REALLY WAS REAL
SURREAL
THIS IS NOT MY CHILD
YES SHE IS
WHAT HAPPENED TO HER
I ASKED IF THERE WAS ANYTHING
I owed her in ANYWAY
The answer was no
What is even sadder in the bigger picture
Cory was having her braces put on for the very first time
Arrangements were made
Big sister would be there to meet her
Well
Corissa went through it herself
Did not want to tell me her sister was not there while having then put on
This made me a little nuts
If I would have known
I would have stuck it out and would have sat through it
It turns out that technology moved up
They weren't anything like when my adult children got their braces
Another reason big sister was going in my place
Big sister is thirty five

I cannot allow myself to accept the behavior set before me and stand for it

Never have I abandon them
Never did I not help them when asked and if I could
Never did I say NO to my children
Never did I lie to my children
Never did I not encourage my children
Never did I allow another person to come into my life without the thought not the father of my children
Just did not feel right nor did I practice it
My choice
I then sobered up when they were still young
In grammar school
Damage done that only an alcoholic understands
It still is something my kids then looked forward to
Me getting tipsy
How they got over on mom
Yeah they told me the things they did
Yet even in drinking days I knew what it did
Way tooooooo much for me to now in hindsight could handle alone
And with and by the GRACE OF GOD I made it this far
And they still come looking for stuff when situations with us are not good
I have come to the truth of the fact I will never have what is owed me be understood
I have to let go of the idea i will ever receiving a penny from them and move on
I am so hurt emotionally having had a family that is divided
All over money
The root of ALL EVIL
the car is something I need
Corissa will continue her education and will need a car
I also want to change my will
My lawyer passed on
A will made before his death has Sara as power of attorney
Because my children allowed my life insurance policies to lapse
Does not leave much
However I want to leave everything of my life acquirements to go to my youngest Corissa
Any and everything
This decision was not hastily made
Just the hard true fact
I do not want a funeral
When I die
I am to be burned
Who gives a s**t if I rot
I don't
I cannot erase what went down yesterday
All because I asked when will she begin restitution
She asked me during the holidays to wait and after the holidays pass I would hear from her
And because I heard from the person I owe four thousand to
as she loaned me the balance needed to purchase it
It was paid off
But I still have this one obligation I am responsible for

When she through the gift back
I put it on Corissa and told her
Not a hand me down
If she wanted it it is hers
She understands the value of what she is wearing
But most importantly she understands why I won't sell it
I will pay off my obligation the best I can
And pray this horrible horrible situation be the end of it
I will not let my children hit or mentally tortured me anymore
This to shall pass
Never to be forgotten
I cannot force them to do what is right
What is wrong WITH ME
I KEEP LETTING THESE HURTFUL THINGS be spoken about
Nobody wants to step up to the plate
The baby and Corissa all seen what transpired upon asking her to please leave
I was not feeling well
My meds were due and was not physically up to any of what was happening
I still feel weighted in the center of my chest
Gone
out of my life is where my adult children are
No more let's call mom and torture her even more
I have officially put an end to it
So much for family I worked so hard at
Time to let go
My dog I will never see again
My son I do not want to see anymore
He has crossed to many lines
I have no one to blame letting this go
is the hardest thing I will have done
I will now call my friend and explain what it is
I am capable of doing
So hurt
So so so sad
It is just like a family of suicide
I am so tired
Now to fight the fight
Can't give up
Corissa needs me
Eva needs me
Her mother does not even want to call her at seven every night
Am I doing something wrong here too
Just what I was told
It's never enough what I do
And do on so many levels
Sad
Me