Who the f gives a crap
Spoke to therapist
He too has is speechless
Speechless
He did not have any comforting things to tell me
I in turn asked him to please help me through this
It's been six years of therapy
I need his help
And I told him so
I also told him it is my granddaughter is the only one who get to enjoy a person who has much experience under my belt
Also raising to other children I watched
One was still in mommies belly his name is Zachary
The other child name is Gabriella
From birth to around ten for her and twelve for Zack
So for him to say Eva needs me
Eva gets the bet from this grown mature loving her like I never imagined possible
She loves me so much
And wants to please me in so many ways
And that is being praised rewarded for doing and asking to get the response she is hoping for
She asks questions like no other child
She truly is the one who gets the best out of this human
Did the same with my other children
But it is different
Anyone who has followed me would know what's important to me and to not be a unit or a chance of it is just something I have to stop reaching for
I'm killing myself
Truly killing myself trying to keep this small family together
I have to let it go
And for anyone who walks in my shoes understand how hard it is to do
It be like a death in the family
Mass suicide
Vicious
Just like my father
Vicious words back and forth between siblings
And it be my fault
Okay what fault are we talking about
I'm in the dark
Yet my shrink did say
What is left IS suffering
And no it isn't okay for my children to behave as they are
So really what the F
After I help guide my youngest and will be returning to a two year schooling program where she will get her diploma
It will be full time night school
And then get my granddaughter into the schools of the town I just moved from after forty six years
You sense it
I miss my hometown something awful
Lost I feel here
Terribly lost
All acquaintances just that
Memories
The friends I thought were decent human beings and to learn thirty years of jealousy
A rape leaving me with someone that had their way with me
We all worked together
To see the lies unfold with the most unbelievable things that are coming to past
Friends I thought I had on one hand
That to bull turd
Am I that different from the rest of others
Would I change who I am today
No
I worked long and hard to get to where I am
Only now it runs I to my family
My unit
My lineage
Damaged we are
It is smaller then ever
I am crushed
It is not a celebration for me anymore
I put on the face not even good at that
for Cory and Eva
It is not their job to make me smile
They have no clue how it brightens my heart
I help them understand it has zero to do with them
And it drives me nuts at how sick I am
I have me myself and I
Corissa helps greatly
It frightens me what's down the road
Things are happening
I am lost
Me