Without fail
I am stirred by my companion pain and sadness
Such terrible sadness
Fighting a battle that is welcoming me into the abyss
Oh how I hate HATE the feel of what is taking over
Then depression finds me

My pillows drenched in tears
Every single morning
Not knowing what the heck the day has for me
I have no desire to want to go forward
For what
I cannot get it right
Don't know if I ever will
Not much time in the world lately
Not much to offer anymore
Not much I can do anymore
Not much of anything
These days that go by are forgotten

I just don't know what to do anymore
I won't do anything
I will go with the flow
Nobody's watching
Not much time left
Just ticking away
Like a time bomb
Waiting to just die
I have fought the fight
Nothing in the end changed
So why even try
These fingers I make move every morning
give them movement for what
The pain never leaves me
I drop everything
My hand and feet are changing
The skin nails brittle
I take care of them
I never let them go
My teeth I haven't been to the dentist about four years now
Granted he did not have much to do with my cleaning especially the plaque
I have my own instruments available at the drugstores
I have noticed a quicker build up of plaque
And the mouth a sign how the body is doing
Getting my pap missed one year this last pap
Never missed a pap
So there
Never say never
My fingers burn with such pain I ant stop scratching to counter the feeling
I can't take it anymore
I don't want it anymore
I have given my all
I have been lied to all my life
Fifty five young
And feel double that at many times lately
I don't like the way I must live
I isn't living
I'm just existing
There isn't much left
Corissa soon to eighteen
Eva ready to start kindergarten
And that it
Eight children
Sara
Michael
Christine
Corissa
Eva
Zackary
Gabriella
Patrick
I have had a heck of a run with raising them
Remember all gifted
They needed activities and that's where the huge backyard the had to do so much
It was a large yard
I rented the first floor from my mothers and dead fathers home
Lived there for twelve years after my divorce
They were at the cusp of the technological way of life
They were the first to have the first once the computer world took over
And took many children in the process
My son one of them
My soninlaw another
Still to date video games
They are in their early thirties
Come on I'm not computer or techno smart
I am mistaken for not paying attention
I can see back then who became obsessed
And it was treated like a drug alcohol or any other problems
that come along with addiction
Jeez
To take the phone away was the indication who had a problem or even possible tendencies
I am a smart cookie
I pay close attention in areas where others may not look at as a possible indication a problem is on its way
And I was there always understanding
Because I am a recovering alcoholic
And was blessed to have been bitten
I too just turning thirty
Took two more years when I picked myself (my way of thinking)
applied it
That year was 1992
That too all for what
To have to take these meds that can harm me
such as a heart attack if by any chance there should be another
"SANDY"
How many of us suffered
I never abusive with these meds
Had if I remember four or five days advanced in the way of me
Falling asleep at night and only because of that I have had additional
You get the picture
Point
My heart already is affected in ways now that have to do with being under medicated me and my doctors know this
I'm not sure my body could handle a full withdrawal case
And we all know another "SANDY" is inevitable
Scary would you not agree
I so don't want to have to put another medicine to my mouth
There are two doctors I must see again and it isn't a easy task
I have a good indication something is up
Wouldn't be surprised if down the road I will have an oxygen tank as companion
Changes are happening
I especially feel it when I take shower that causes steam to fill the room it isn't the inhale its upon exhaling that has changed
become difficult
I know my body well
The stress at this level MUST HAVE TO TAKE A TOLL ON MY BODY MIND AND SPIRIT
is evil it's cancer
It's that horrible domino effect
I have what left in my life
I have to what fight the fight
I won't kill myself
But I must fin a way to kill this pain
All of the different pains
I must find a way
The day has passed
I'm another years older
I am responsible for my own happiness
God help me see the light
I fear I will never get a chance to love be loved in return have a special someone who is willing to be my "one and only"
I've gone it alone
I understand when one speaks
Being alone
Being lonely
God the Father I believe
As to be true to myself always is what I practice
Hoping I am pleasing The Lord
I am falling
Falling hard
Me