It almost should be unspoken
Not a word uttered
Because one knows how badly the other
Hurts
I am so tired of crying
It too wipes me out and I don't even get a start in my day
For it has been like this for a long time
Three maybe four years now
It doesn't change much
When dealing with an addict
Such as myself
My children soon followed
I alcohol
My children alcohol and drugs
Nothing small time
Always on a grand scale
To the point of overdosing and getting the phone call
It has been like this since Christine reached seventh grade
Hell opened up
The years that followed Corissa being born with a kidney problem
This we found out when she was sick with fever at three and a half months
She almost died
Standing in the shower with her feeding her as the water rushed down our bodies to help bring the fever down
Rampid with a kidney infection
Two surgeries later and saving half of her kidney
Corissa is soon to be eighteen
Where did all those stressful days go
Over a month and a half in the hospital transferred once to the hospital where the disease specialist doctor Michael Lamacia
Will never forget him
I just might send him a card to the MAN
Christine still on a downward spiral
as all this is going on
I am in the school on top of it all
Yet she fought me all the way
With baby in tow
Christine stole the show
Then on a new road with a child at twenty two has her first seizure the years past
The hospital stays I was there always at their side
Never left them alone
Ever
I lost my job when Corissa became ill
That was the deli and house era mid nineties
Nineteen days in the hospital when she had brain surgery
By the way what the "F" was wrong with my ex-husband
He named her
Broken am I just thinking about it
Sorry I didn't cut it
For I understand no family is clear of skeletons
But
Please
Do not forget my children
It was my job
And I did it without thought
I just did
I was blessed to have become a mother
And try to do what I knew to do
I have done a heck of a job
This only they and I know
They need to step up with apologies
Not second hand apologies
They need to learn how to do the "forgiving"
The kind that does not come back and it resurface and bite you in the butt
No
And please this mommy knows every facial expression on their faces when having done a forth step over and over again
Because they did not like hearing the truth
My children have had learned behavior inflicted upon them
What the hell did I know in my late twenties and early thirties
I knew plenty
I had raised my baby sister
I was nine when she was born
It became my job
I already cooking dinner for the entire family upon coming home from school and expected to keep up with school and the English language
A little pat on my shoulder
A letter to the deputy director of the human resources for families
I have written of him briefly in my years on neuro talk
Nevertheless I asked my shrink if I could get his feedback of it
He was surprised to how well constructed
I told him it took me five days to get it just right
I was only a quater of the way in when reading it to him
Now I'm tickled he was
I don't know if surprised is the word I want to describe my initial feeling
I was hoping he would see the message I was sending
And I did not want to loose him as a reader to a very disturbing complaint towards a social worker
Hoping it gets in his work file
Picking and choosing a fight
Why does it boil down to putting one in ones place
I don't get it
It sad
It's very sad
And my personality wants to make things right
I MUST be very careful what I pick
You can't pick family
So I work with what we have

I cannot tell you if I have the heart to let what happened when Sara returned the gift I had given to her
And please this has zero to do with money
But more the reasons when I gave it
Was a terrible hurt
Never did I ever
Ever think she could do what she did
Knowing the story behind the necklace I wear around my neck
since April 1985
I still wear it as a reminder
I made it without havi g to sell "it"
As it represented much
I am floored Sara did the same
And she knows what she did
And what it would do to me
I worked hard to give my children the little I could
How do I get the place to "forgive" such hate anger so
help me
How do I tell myself
This should not be happening to you Eva
I is especially surreal
I am clueless what happened
How do you forgive
Clueless
My shrink won't accept that

I still very sorry to have a family that has scattered as they have

Nothing but pain

This heart feels the pain
It is broken into such minute pieces
Picking up the pieces impossible
Oh how unappreciated I feel
How used
Betrayed
Lied to
Stolen from
Comes from a terrible place
I cannot explain how disappointed in them
How do I forgive
As I am the one who gets dumped on
Love
Me