Dear WaterWillow
As hard as it is and as harsh as it sounds you are doing a sensible thing for your brother in law. Over 30+ years your BIL has amassed great skill to lie, cheat and manipulate all in order to get alcohol. He is probably not a horrible person and he is still family, but to best aid him realise the consequences of his choices withdrawal of familial support will cease the enabling and he will have to find his own way to help and support. It is heartbreakingly hard and you will feel racked with guilt but you have others to think of as well. You have your immediate family and safety to consider.
I attend weekly carer group sessions for alcoholics and drug addicts (most weeks I get there) every week we are told to stop enabling the person we are caring for. We are told never to put ourselves in danger or leave ourselves open to danger. That means driving them to appointments only when they are sober or straight, never give them money directly and don't pay their bills out of your own money, use theirs. If you don't have access to their money then the bill or whatever they want/need purchasing can't be done and they suffer the consequences. You could try telling him you will always support him in efforts to recover from alcoholism, but you will no longer stand by and support him to drink.
Supposedly an alcoholic or drug addict has to reach their own rock bottom before they will reach out for help. Everyone's rock bottom is different. Often what we as sober individuals consider rock bottom and terrible, they will brush off again and again. No one can predict what or when they will realise the harm they are causing themselves or others.
I wish you safety and peace WaterWillow I know only to well the choices you are facing.
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Originally Posted by waterwillow
I have an alcoholic brother in law who has refused help from all directions. He holds down a job but drinks VERY heavily. We have asked for help from his work welfare, support groups and mental health teams. ALL state that he needs to realise he has a problem. We are talking 30+ years here.
Until last week we supported him by buying some food every week, heating oil, beds etc etc etc.
He has been aggressive before and last week we had to call for police assistance as he tried to kick our home door in. In fact we were trying to get him into some supported housing. We cannot reason with him drunk or sober and the stress this is causing to us and other family is crazy.
He needed a letter from his medical practitioner to help with housing so he went. She spoke to him to offer yet again some help and yet again he refused saying there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. We were told by the practitioner that she could do nothing until he realised his condition. In fact she said it can have a negative effect, driving him further into "a very dark place" He needs to find that there are consequences for his actions.
His so called friends are happy to help him drink his money and he refuses to engage with anyone who raises their concerns for his welfare. Well here we are a week on from crisis and living on the edge of our nerves waiting for his return.
Question. DO WE WITHDRAW FROM HIS LIFE AND HIM FROM OURS.
We are wrecked with guilt but also know we have been manipulated in every way.
Thanks
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