It's been a really bad week for reasons I don't need to go into. After days of basically being bedridden most of the day, I finally managed to make it two miles down the road to the grocery store to get some food. I also have POTS and nearly passed out in the grocery store. I was horrified that that almost happened. Earlier in the week, I fell in the neurologist's office getting off the exam table, went reeling, knocked over a chair and cut my arm. You can imagine how happy they were over the libility. I had to lie in my car for an hour before I could return home. I felt like a spectacle. I hate being sick in public. I'm nearly a recluse as it is.

Finally, what set me off, was as I left the grocery store, I saw a man pushing a woman in a wheel chair. They seemed like a couple. They were laughing and talking. I thought about how my husband had left me unexpectedly after 32 years and married a girl 25 years younger than him. How I am all alone and sick and broken forever and this all started after he left. How very sad and heartbroken I still am. And why couldn't he have loved me like that, no matter what? I burst into tears. I suddenly just wanted the right to feel sorry for myself. Without thinking of how lucky I am. How there are others so much worse off. Of the exhaustion of trying to find the positive of everything. Of trying so hard to figure out what all is wrong with me and how to help the drs help me. Or how I can proactively help myself.

I just wanted to be sad and sorry for myself. Isn't that ok? Don't we get to have that for ourselves now and again?

I don't want people to cheer me up. I wish they would tell me they feel this too. And they think it's okay for them, and me. Or even good to let it happen sometimes.


Denise