It was five in the morning
After final shut eye after one this morning
Math tells me that's four hours
Is there anybody
Anybody who experiences what it is I do

Before I stir in my sleep to wake
Just as this morning
It is in my gut
My belly physically feeling this unwanted doomed feel
add to that the inability to do anything about it
My shrink knows
With him also we tried so many meds to help this horrible situation I am going through
What caused me to stop with the meds my shrink was administered only to find myself in suicidal mode two years ago
And I cannot shake it off
The drug was Lexapro
This may have been the fifth or sixth drug trial and error
All did not help and caused my body to go through hell with the withdrawals
Yet who gives a turd about that

I want to know what comes to visit me in my sleep and wakes me into the day and it is sadness me all over again
And the vicious cycle begins
I come here to let loose on what is happening
For anyone else out there who feels like they are just about going
snap just cave in and shrivel and die

I am what my attitude puts out
I hate how I am
And hate HAS come from my recent writings
A strong emotion
Hate what my mind is doing to this body
To feel like you are fighting yourself
And in reality I really am beating myself up to the point of self destruction
And no oxygen to fill these lungs fully to take it all in
Instead I am gasping for air that isn't polluted by humans
who have hurt and would like to continue to hurt me has to stop
It just make a mess of me mentally
Where do I put the stuff that's going on
Sure I would love to throw it away
Addiction and recovery is the ultimate goal here when in that situation
This is my fight and I do not want to give into depression
Oh it's there I know there is no sweeping it under the rug for mr

Why am I visited in the morning with instant horrible gut feeling
And fighting that gut can take a bit of time
Oh sweet Mary
I am so tired
My emotional state broken
My shrink thinks I have what it takes to fight
If only he knew what physical fights I'm talking about

I don't want to feel anymore
I won't kill myself
I won't try anymore with my family
Let them figure it out
I'm still in that same position many times
I'm still trying to figure out crap that's real in my life
How can I not feel happiness
Why can't I feel it
Love has nothing to do with it
IF you love unconditionally
You need a spark in ones gut
I try every single morning
Do my meditating to try and rid the terrible
feeling of doom
Come and write here and share my live story
Just the act of working my fingers is a blanking challenge
I am challenging myself constantly
These unwelcome visitor that come to me each morning is so strong it frightens me
I call upon my angels
and pray
Help me
It is robbing me of
Me