I feel pretty vulnerable posting this but what the heck. I want to live so much but not like this. I feel like I've messed up my whole life. I thought I had more time. I was only 45 when this illness hijacked my life. I feel like I've messed up everything and now it's too late. The pain from the illness i have has been completely treatment-resistant as far as medications go. Everything else I've tried (exercise, diet, etc) has barely dented it. It's just marched over me steadily progressing no matter what. And now my life is pretty hellish most days. This isn't a life, just existence. I'm so tired now, I haven't got any fight left in me.