hi thank you everyone for your thoughts and your support. it means a lot to me. I felt a bit silly the next day when I read what I'd written. I seem to say the same thing over and over I guess I do feel really frustrated. I, like many of you, have invested so much time and money trying to get better or at least improve and no matter what, things don't seem to get better.

I like the quote that you remember what life was like before. I find it hard to remember. But one moment for me this week was I went and swam at the local pool and the moment I'm in the water all the pain goes and I can even swim. Even though I'm very weak now I managed to do 6 lengths and I felt the way I used to and my body was free. I can only go fortnightly because of the chemicals but every time I came up for air I had a grin on my face ( :