First off,

How can you have failed when you are here sharing your vibrant, beautiful self with us? And yes, you are beautiful. It takes a particular diamond like strength to have gone through all that you have. The losses you've sustained recently would overwhelm anyone and make anyone depressed. Not being able to cry is a sign that even your grief is shut away right now. But today was a step in bringing out and sharing that burden. Please do let your family also know how you are feeling.

I agree about counseling even if it is on Skype. Therapists who work with chronic illness and pain can help you with what you're feeling. And there must be some way for you to get the treatment you need. There may be an appeal process with the insurance or a foundation or charity connected with your hospital that could help. I am hopeful that this will get worked out.

Know that we are holding you in our hearts and sending thoughts of healing,