There is so much more than just the pain from the RSD/CRPS. I have so many things going on right now that I think I am just overwhelmed which just causes the depression and anxiety to get worse.

My PM and I were not sure what meds were doing any good so we started cutting back on all of my med. We cut out the gabapentin last month, which was such a low dose for RSD/CRPS that it was not helping. We cut back on the amitriptyline. He wanted to keep me on that until the psychologist gave a better recommendation. We started to cut out the MS Contin, but he asked me to stay on a minimum dose for now since cutting it out completely was causing such bad withdrawal and increase in pain. I do like the idea that he is trying to see what is helping and what is not. My previous PM just threw more pills at me each time I went in that I had no idea if anything was working.

With my husband's income being so limited, and me not being able to return to work, our savings are completely gone. I do have my SSDI hearing in a little over a month, but I am worrying about that. I understand that my ALJ is very hard on the cases that he hears and denies more claims than he approves, so I am nervous about that. Although, I am so limited on what I am able to do, I do not see how he can deny my claim.

My husband and I have been fighting a lot lately. When he got rid of our bed back in December and brought in two twin beds, both in separate rooms, that really broke my heart. We are in the same room again, but still sleeping in separate beds. He has been back to drinking and using marijuana again, and I have no idea how to handle that. We have a hard enough time buying groceries and he wants to waste our money on that. The couple of times that I have tried to bring it up, he gets very defensive. When he gets defensive or drunk, he gets verbally abusive. At least that is all it is, but I sometimes worry about that too.

My mom is upset at both my sister and I. Treating us both like we are failures because we are both struggling with our disabilities. My sister had a craniotomy in the fall to remove two non-malignant tumors but is having a very difficult time recovering. My niece is her caregiver most days, but my niece struggles with being bi-polar, which makes that a difficult situation. I worry about both of them.

I do not sleep hardly anymore. Pain keeps me up most nights. I seem to have developed a fear of the shower, more a fear of falling, and because it hurts too much. We do not have a tub, so most of my washing is out of the sink when I can with at least one shower a week no matter how much it hurts.

I am overwhelmed and having a difficult time getting used to a different way of living. I have always been active. Now, my enjoyment is watching the many many squirrels out our back window, and trips to one doctor or another. I have had to deal with depression a lot in my life, I have even tried to take my life years ago. I has been in my thoughts again, I have even thought of a plan or two, but I do not think it is something I could act on again. I thought it would be a good idea to program a few hotlines in my phone just in case I really needed someone to talk to. I have more going on that I do not feel like sharing, I probably never will, but it is all stuff that is behind me, stuff that I no longer should let burden me, but I still do.

I know I am not alone. I am never alone here on NT. I am surrounded by wonderful people, some of whom I call friends. I try my hardest to not let my friends down, but to support them and stand beside them when they need someone, just as you all have done for me. - Thank you!