I had another psychology appointment today. I talked about so many of the things that have been on my mind over the past week. I think I might have overwhelmed her with what is going on in my life and I only had an hour. She agrees that it might be a good idea to try to get away from my husband for a weekend, or even a little longer. Especially if he continues to not want to listen to me, get defensive whenever I say anything no matter what it is I say, and if he continue to be verbally abusive. He has been rather nice this past week with no drinking, so I am happy about that. These are the times that I am reminded of the person that he can be, the person that I fell in love with and married. Trying his hardest to put a smile on my face or even laugh. I just wish he would listen to me. I have been good at watching how I say things so that they can not be mistaken as being negative. I don't know why it did not dawn on me before, my husband is pretty much deaf. He reads body language to determine emotion and tone in what someone says since he can not hear it all that often. Is he perhaps mistaking my pain and depression for a negative tone?

My parents were trying to get me up to there place sometime soon. I was asked on Friday if I would like to come up for the weekend. Maybe packing up a weekend bag and heading up with my dad next chance I get would be a good idea if my husband and I can not talk about some of our problems. I am not sure how I would handle the long 3.5 hour ride, but it is the only place I can think of to go to and I have not been up to their place in a few years. I spend most of my time in my pajamas anymore, except for doctor appointments, so a small bag shouldn't be too hard to put together.

We also talked about trying to work toward some goals. As odd as it may sound, I would love to be able to try cooking again. Maybe not every day, but at least every once in a while. It is something that I loved to do and is something that will let me feel like I am helping out again. I told her that I would like to be able to loose my crutches as well, even to get back to a cane or walker. Since I am still dealing with a non-union from a surgery I had last January to fuse two joints in my ankle, as well as dealing with CRPS, I know that may not happen. I made sure that she knew that it might not happen as well.

Working toward some goals and making me feel like I am not just a drain on everyone in my life, will probably do me some good. Between the pain, depression and all of the stress going on at home, I just do not have much motivation right now which makes it difficult to work toward those goals. Every time I try, it seems like one step forward, three steps back.

Guess I will just have to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.