The hardest thing I ever had to do was
basically had to become
Selfish
Never in my life had I had to step away from my children
I have come to finally see I am their crutch having them come to me for help as they find and stupid me couldn't see I was being used
This very disturbing truth hurts to the core
When my children began life in the world and tried flying the coup
Some never really able to spread their wings
I look at my son and wonder if he will ever get it
A brilliant young man with the manic and depressive pain as I am certain his brain is chemically screwed deemed bipolar
How is it he to has to have someone in his life nomatter what the case may be
His wings never really were able to open compleatly
His family us he is asstranged from
The sad thing is Corissa really needed a big brother
only at the time he left he got into hardcore drugs big time
in the very end popping his skin with dope
Clean from herion for some three years but replaced it with
excessive drinking
Actually it does not take much for him to begin feeling the affects of ALCOHOL
He is with his partner who is forbidden to contact me
My son so much like my mother
Never once has he had a chance to find out what life is like taking care of oneself
From a rent bill to a car doctors co-pays and everything inbetween
I have given him so much on a financial level and to be screwed out of it just blows me away
Money the root of all evil
The leather couch he sits on i paid off
i allowing him the use of my credit card
now no longer available cut up
Giving him three thousand to pay bills in advance
"So" he could go into long term rehab
All
Lies

My eldest someone I had in my life until her very last surgery
Who married her high school sweetheart
I was not there to witness it
Took him in as my son
His mom and I rarely see each other
A wonderfulf woman
A kept woman
Both Dominican
If you know what I mean
It's a cultural thing
Such as my culture
Remarried her alcoholic husband
His mother stopped cooking because he was at our home constantly
Back then when I had a house to have a large dining area
My dining room table over 100 inches long solid oak table all for family gathering
A rarity
She stayed home the longest
As was the hardest to let go of
She was prepared
I never felt her husband is or ever will be upstanding kind of guy
He loves my daughter so much more then she him
And I as a mommy would so much rather my child grown not have to have anybody in her life to define her
This she thanks me for
Yet
Asstranged we are
Finally not living in the in-laws apartment with our family dog for the last two years
Just found a apartment after becoming serious about not being a deadbeat and live off my daughters disibility
Now stable at a job
A computer wiz
And because she finally put her foot down
She my eldest
My poet
is living her bliss
Something I said never give up on
And recognized as a "known" poet
In my back yard and performs in the BIG CITY
Happy I am for her to have given her my all
I always at her side
Through all the surgeries
Because that is what I do
I was "it" all
Slept in a chair ninteen days with her
And twenty five days with my youngest
Lost my job over that period
Corissa had two kidney surgeries

Now
All this estrangement
over money
Also because of impact it did to my finances
Put myself in a very difficult position

has severed her ties with me not returning the money given to help
Depleted me of everything
All my fault

Blown away she would do that because I have taken steps to file
and her husband take advantage of that and felt he did not have make payment
And stole three new laptops on my Dell bill
Yes I was asked by him
Stupid I was
With my mistake of it not in writing so I could hold both accountable they responsible for wreaking my finances
Again money
Root of all evil
But true

My granddaughters mother
Still not stable
I become responsible for Eva as mom is
living with my grandchilds father
God my assessment is on the money
Not well
Is living with the other grandmother while her son has her living in fear
Busted so many times for selling drugs
This is who my third child is living with
Her addiction her drug of choice has fried her brain
She is NOT the same person pre-drugs
Now her addiction still strong and alive
She has been to hell was there for a long time
Only to emerge broken spit out into the cruel cold world
She is trying so had to clean up her act

What drives me nuts
I have my grandchild and my youngest who still lives with me
and said she would help take care of me
I have given up my social love life that never had a chance as I had my children to raise and protect
Even from their other parent who never reached out for them ever

When I divorced two things always remained the same
My home phone number or where we lived
As their fathers my marriage I had three children with
And my AA recovery baby soon to be eighteen

Both my children's other parent were and I never argued the order of visitation

This is when I can now painfully let them go

Why are you dumping on the only person you guys could
ALWAY COUNT ON FOR ANYTHING
ANYTHING
I can now tell them painfully
Please someone please tell me which one of your fathers faught for you because I would
And the
Not a word
Why haven't they called
They had the number
It NEVER CHANGED
still remains the same
No answer

Point
The hardest thing I ever had to do was not picking up the phone
for them
My kids
Not let them hurt me
The one who never abandoned them
Be the one to suffer sadness

I have to be selfish and move on with my life
As theirs did not stop for one moment in time
To have someone in their lives
May it be healthy or not
Never did I ask them for anything
But be happy in what you do

I just figured they can see the huge limitation I have in my life now being ill as I am
This is no faking it
This is real as real can ever get
What happens to my hands and feet
My youngest who is the only one left
To visually see the veins swell before ones eyes
The surrounding smaller veins filling with blood
and the large vein pops
Deflates
And bam
A huge bruise
Posted picks
Forget where on NT

I

not a thought to help in anyway

I

have to let go
How does one do that without it ripping at my soul

My granddaughter and Corissa are now my focus
We have to live together
One day at a time
Corissa will be looking for a part-time job
And acquiring her diploma
And try and learn how to drive
The car will be hers if she does

It isn't easy when in spring
like this
Should be good thoughts
Because my babies are born in the spring
A beautiful time to be born
My son born three years later on the same day my father killed himself
My son thinks I am reminded of my father and the horrible things
When in fact his birth turned it into a beautiful day

I would always call them the moment in time when they entered the world and would sing happy birthday to them
This year that stops
My last two birthdays were sad ones because of their citcumstances that affected me
Enough
And it hurts to say that
I have made my amends
But it isn't enough

So


ENOUGH ALREADY
dumping on the parent that stuck it out with them
And gave up a life for myself
Again my fault
This I know
ENOUGH
me