Quote:
Originally Posted by PamelaJune
I do Gerry, the house goes for weeks / months without a proper clean. I close my eyes to everything, but sometimes I just have to push through to get something done. To give you an idea of what I'm talking about re DB not understanding, yesterday at the Coles checkout I gather up two light bags and leave the rest for him, he looks at me and says in all seriousness, those bags are heavier than the Ozito yet you can lift them. My reply, its not the heaviness of the Ozito that upset me dear, it's the fact you think I should be able to get out there and vacuum, clean up the back yard. I struggle to do inside let alone outside. Your sarcasm is not appreciated! Came home and didn't talk for the rest of the evening.
I know he has his demons and his severe depression keeps him bedbound if not at work, the gym or at his psych appointments. I get all of that and I support him to the best I can. I put no pressure on him to do anything around the house, it is me that's kept it clean and functioning both inside and out for the past two years but it's getting harder and harder for me. Buying the Ozito for me said - oh ok, she will get out there and do it when she gets angry enough with it not being done so this will help because I'm not going to do it!
Even when he did start, I had to go out and say blow it to a pile that can be swept up and then bagged and binned, otherwise you blow it away and it all blows back in the next wind gust! (It's not rocket science.) so I'm cooking the roast and he comes in and says I've blown it all to a spot for you to come sweep and bag up.... His depression and not drinking has taken him back to being a 12 year old I swear! (They did say that happens but really, is it that hard to think things through).
There are two of us in this relationship with severe depression, one also with severe chronic pain, how come I'm the one expected to hold it all together. Sadly, I do believe Gerry, if I were to stop doing the daily feeding & watering of the animals (7 of them), the weekly grooming, the feeding of the fish (30) the cleaning up after the animals (daily poop clean up) hand water all the plants (daily in summer as retic been broken for 6 years) the daily cooking, the regular washing, the ironing and the occasional cleaning, take the garbage out as needed and putting the bins out every week then this household will come to a screaming halt and it will be far to hard to regain the toehold I have of just keeping it together. I'm too scared to stop because I can't see it being recovered.
I posed did he have chronic fatigue syndrome, his psych says no, it's his depression and he is bored. BORED! So he is off to a mankind project that will give him things to do. I so hope they have groups of men who are all bored that will feel inclined go round to each other's houses and do regular maintenance rather than weekend camping trips to the wilderness for physical challenges. I'm sure I can't be the only spouse who is going through this.
Rant over, I'm sorry, I'm just so overwhelmed with it all. This can't be my life for much longer.
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Pam,
You are "Wonder Woman" and are unbelievable for all you accomplish. Your Profile on NT tells a story of a woman that has endured so much suffering. If nothing else; it would be good to hear from DB how lucky he is and thankful for all you do. It's nice to be appreciated instead of the little sarcasms that dig a bit too deep. I can understand the different person he has become after letting go of his "best buddy"; alcohol; but I don't think showing some appreciation is too much to expect.
Yes, I deal with 24/7 pain which can be a "downer"; also see my husband busy reading the newspaper from end to end; then go to the computer for a while; afterwards might just go lay down on the loveseat and watch TV while I am lucky I am standing with the burning feet/aching legs/spinal pain thinking how nice it must be to wait for your dinner call so he can do his share.... pour a glass of wine or a beer with dinner.
But; I have had to make big adjustments....; meals now that are pre-ready to go into the oven or micro or something very simple. Loved cooking and was a perfectionist at a clean spotless house. Now, just have to do the "hit and miss" I spoke about.
I don't drive anymore and shopping is very difficult so I must say, he does most of the grocery shopping. We have an online food products business in the area that deliveres every two weeks by a rep. The meals are very easy to prepare; ice cream "out of this world" (it is really starting to show on both of us).
Pam, have you given any thought to moving to a condo or something very simple for upkeep? It is evident you have too much there to take care of. While you might love all the animals and grounds, etc., it is causing resentment that will only add to the problems both of you are facing. It does not bring the enjoyment it once did.
Your husband is a changed man and you are dealing with far too much to continue at the current pace. My daughter had gone thru a few programs since becoming drug free for several years now. She has become very self centered and these programs drill in to them; how they have to become selfish and think of themselves first in order to remain in recovery. Far too often, this become difficult for family members to fully understand the "new person" they are now dealing with.
I think possibly the biggest issues are the different life both of you face;... him with his recovery and you with all your physical limitations are dealing with things (house, grounds, etc., etc.) instead of holding on to each other for support. The more resentment you feel, the further both of you become.
Hopefully, I did not overstep giving my ideas, suggestions, etc.
Please feel free to vent. We are listening and very caring.
:group hug:
Gerry