Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for the blessings I will receive
Heavenly Father
Lonely it is
Is this how things are suppose to be
How is it I hurt so badly
How can I truly let go
I know my family is living life without
Me and Eva in it
It does not feel good
My daughters birthday tomorrow
We were suppose to spend it together
Just her and I
That is gone
Another milestone and I am not part of it
What am I going to feel tomorrow
Will I live for tomorrow
Will You be there to cradle Me
Heavenly Father
My innards hurt my head spinning
My heart just broken
Having to deal with the pain Eva is feeling
Just kills me
Last night
She lay in Corissa's bed
The bed they both shared
She plays in the room
Went in to find her
On the bed covered up and secretly crying
She misses her so much
It is so hurtful
I not worry as You will watch over her
Alone I am
Alone I am
This is how I feel right this moment
Let me not forget
This is Your plan
Your at work
I need to sit back and watch it all unfold
Heavenly Father
It is her birthday tomorrow
Let her remember all the good times
This we had much of
Until I got sick
My older children left just because
This I had gone through three times already
This last one is a doozy
I need not fret
You have all in control
I spoke with a friend yesterday
Somebody new
Does not beleive in the Holy Bible
It was psalm six to its end is what God spoke to me
When I wanted to die
Just die
And then I left home
Never looked back
Never held back
I had reasons to run
My father was watching me till I was seventeen
in a vet unhealthy way
I left his hands that beat me
I would pray to die
I had only one way out
Heavenly Father
How can a father who wanted children according to my mother
She was given a ultimatum
Either you produce children or leave
So the story goes
I do remember my mother being beaten and then raped
I was under the age of five
We were in South Africa
This the place I was born
Why
Why do I dare ask
How is a small child suppose to let this go
It is inside me
Deep inside
They know how hard it was for me as a little girl
The reason I did not bring a stranger into my children's live
fearing someone would abuse the
But according to them me I am the abuser
The father of my children knew the number never changed
so he never had an excuse
Him also was fixed on Me in a very unhealthy way
Corissa's father focused on me and when I would become vulnerable and then attack trying to get physical with me
I understood
Just like my ex
Focused on me and my live life
What love life
I have up any chance because I did not trust
ANYBODY
Heavenly Father
I do not want anything other than peace between my children
Want me in their lives because that's what they want
Not what I want
Of course I do not mean that manner wher I am pushed around
I have been a good darn mom
All the children gravitate towards me all my lifetime
There are two other children I watched full time
Zacks parents money riddled heroin hidden in the child's room
He could have died
On the floor in the open closet
I had to protect him
Till he was eight
Gabriel a child that was difficult as a six month old
Watched her and raised her
Taught them both
Loved them both
I wonder If they remember me
They also slept over my home on many occasions
I was very good with children
I miss them too
How can this be
I cannot compete with the root of all evil
This is what he dangles in front of my child
Heavenly Father don't let her become that kind of person
Someone who throws pennies to the ground
And I'm that person who picks them up
Heavenly Father
Empower me
In Your name
I ask
Empower me I have to go through the emotions
of loosing my child to of all people her father
Who has never had an interest
I forced him in her life
May it be that he now will have to deal with
The real hard stuff
He was so relieved Corissa stopped going to her program
Something I had to do for her when taking her out if school
Not a word
She just stopped going
I don't need to go
Ill be eighteen soon
And he never seen the importance of what the program had to offer her
And in the end her counselor said she is now someone who has become a leader
In her life not understanding she is responsible for her decisions
and has to work with what she decides
But not for it to hurt another
And that is what she did to this long distance relationship
Where the mom called
Wound up in the hospital
Suicide over the finding my daughter was cheating
With another long distance relationship
It was wrong
Wrong
Wrong
Wrong
Yet I must
For her own good
Letting her fall on her face
I don't want to see that
I will not call on her birthday
I did not getting through
And not getting at least a card on my birthday
Is not to hurt her
But help her see
I was the one there for the past seventeen birthdays
Missing her hurts
Calling her even more
She will maybe get a belated
This Heavenly Father I do for reasons only YOU know
You created me
You will see my heart
Help me Heavenly Father
Not be bitter
And let it go into Your hands
In Jesus I trust
In God I believe
Love
Me