Having a very difficult time
The sadness is so deep
i fear what it is doing to me
It is not anything I want to feel or go through
But I'm forced to
How can that be
How can a child affect me so hard
Is it because I know she is not ready for many things
Having to hear from her did not help any
Having to hear she sees now what she had when she was here
Why can't I let go
Jesus why can't I let go
Having to help Eva through all this does not help
Reminded of the pattern that could happen
She is not giving me the respect due me
I am not a wash cloth
And clean me away
Her going into the arms of a man who does not care
What am I waiting for
Why can't I just get up and not let my brain go there
I am so sick
There is no question how I feel is not negetive energy
I need positive energy
Every single day a hurdle
Every single f*****g day
Every single moment of my waking life
When like this I do not want to wake
It hurts so badly
It IS tearing me apart
Wanting her so badly when I was pregnant with her
Another chance to start differently
It did not matter
Never laying a hand on my child
Choosing a different approach
I was hit as a child
Took that with me when having my children
of my marriage
Was strong enough to leave him behind
But hit my children when they did very wrong things
One day I had what one might call a outer body experience
Looked over my children and said to them
When young before soberiety
Promised them I would never lay my hands on them in that manner again
Having my last child seventeen years later from my first child
I maybe I was to late
Made amends that best I could
But Corissa has no idea that I raised her in a very different way
Never laying a hand on her to fear me
I held her and my other children and understood I was blessed to have them and It wasn't their fault
And yet even though they were still very young
I knew it was not how I wanted to raise my children
I after all I went through as a child
I took with me in my young mothering
Having the chance to raise a child without that kind of punishment is way to much
I have made life better when realizing there is a better way
And I did it
I was able to raise them and not hit them
I have learned so many things with raising my babies
always wanting them to live happy lives
To be happy in life
Then I look back at the life I had as a child
and think to myself I did do the right thing as a mommy
So many people passing
In my lifetime I never thought it would be this sad
Being alone raising them certainly was not easy
I was a good mommy
Taking very good care of them
Even on a mental level
Never kept anything from them
Helped them understand that we were a very dysfunctional family
And that it is not normal behavior to be raised as I was
That laying a hand on a child who looks up to me for protection not to fear me like I feared my parents
I so did not want them to feel what I did
And I knew I had mentally damaged them by using my hand
Some say it is something needed at a certain level
I do not agree
Corissa never knew what that was like
I knew better when had her
Why does it hurt so hard with her
Why can't I let it go
Why would I want to hold on to this kind of saddness
The kind that you know isn't doing a body any good
May this be my punishment
I do not know
I do know I was and still am an
AWESOME MOTHER SISTER FRIEND AND LOVER
it has to stop
Please Heavenly Father make it stop
Make it stop
Me