Not in the least
Friends family
All have failed me in
one way or another
To have to wait for a friend
And help walk me through the on line application
I not a computer savvy person
None of my kids wanted me to learn
And I freeze when on the computer
To finally see there isn't a soul available
And I would rather hide under a blanket
Then to try any more
No this isn't a good feeling
Then I have my so called so wonderful doctors
I am curious as what will happen when I go to the pulmonary doctor
I will be prepared
I am scared turdless
Will be ALONE
no advocate
Don't have a phone that I could record
But what else is new
I was up at five in the morning
This is affecting me in a very bad way
I have been in a helpless state with some things
And I need help
And I won't ask
Not anymore
It would be begging and that I will not do
As far as a shoulder this I don't have either
No I am not that strong gal who people mistakenly look up to
I hate it when I hear people say you are my hero
There is no hero
There is only trying to do the right thing
That's all nothing more nothing less
Just the right thing
Filling out my early retirement application of my last place employment I have a pension and there is a program available for some supplemental income for life and upon death I was asked if I want to have a beneficiary and can appoint a lifetime recipient to receive a sum I get to pick and the receive for life that sum
So I tell the person helping me to select the half be allotted to my youngest
Why this person says
I tell her it is just something I want her to have if I can give it
My older children let two life insurance policies lapse
They were in their adult age and understood what they were
they did not care
But why would I not leave something behind that they too could receive for life
And it is what I chose
And have no ill feelings
My youngest has no clue what I did
She will only know upon death
Death
To die alone
To die out as a family
To stop myself with wishful thinking
I am not that doormat anymore
But then again offering myself is not wanted
So I wi not anymore
I have lived a lonely life
Did so by choice
Choices I should have never had to make
I was a child when I was stripped of my future
Fighting through it was and still is a B***H
Heavenly Father visits me and soothe my tears for a bit
I have the paperwork to fill out
and have to make copies of reports that show
emphysema in right lung
Confused I am
As I lay here waiting for seven o'clock to roll on by
so I can take my meds
My back hurts from my neck yo my shoulder down my back
this I know for certain I feel from my last surgery and has become progressive just like doctor Darren Lebel of Hospital for Special Surgeries then a third neurosurgeon doctor Argintiniue
"No sense in doing anything, many things wrong" and doctor Lebel "eventually you will be in a wheelchair"
What kind of talk is this
Oh heck no
But the time IS coming
My body IS failing me
Never had a support system
Have nobody I can say is real in my life
All are superficial
Every single one of them
All expecting something from me
And when it is blatantly evident
Not a peep
Oh I forgot my pain is not visible
The fact I can't feel my hands
Yet the pain i feel as it is real and hurts
Hurts so badly I have to scratch my skin
My heart so sad
My head on overload
And there isn't a soul
I am not surprised
I have been alone all my life
Heavenly Father
You are all I have
Come to me
In Jesus I trust
In YOU I beleive
Hold me up
Give me strength
Ease up the pain
I have so much to do
As I can only count on myself
and the strength YOU give me