To have this all turn into a live journal
Has become my way of therapy
I after seven years with my phycotheripist
Fired him
Did not have my best interest or well being for that matter
it was my DEPLIN that did him in
Yesterday all day at the sink with my grandchild
Making Italian sauce with meatballs and sausages
This is my grandchilds wish her menu
She stood on a stool and was my little chef helping with ingredients
Everything made from scratch
Meatball in abundance
Had a neighbor from the sixteenth floor
come up and get some she stayed for a meal too
There was so much meat because Corissa was factored in
This meat was in freezer and frozen in bulk
She was adorable
Each time I used the processor she would put her nose to the bowl and sniff
She lives pasta and red sauce
Loves it
But let me tell you
The only back ache
The only headache
She certainly was and will always be worth the pain
She was so grateful after dinner
I'm glad I had adult company

I do not know why my child is holding my
picture I need tomorrow for the pulmonary doctor
In the last three days I have been going through my
medical file
A very thick one
And am trying to consolidate to the best of my ability
Make copies of some very important results
And will have a friend come as an advocate and help
I will have Eva with me
It's the only way
Anyhow
Why she won't send me my pictures infuriates me
I have belittled myself texting her to send them
I do not know if I am blocked
But I need them and she won't send them
What the blank is wrong with her

Seriously
What is wrong with her

Then my grandchilds mother
Expecting me to make all arrangements
getting Eva registered for school
They are waiting for me
Granted I will be speaking to my previously held home and last job

The mayor
All the schools built in the city of union city
There aren't any good reports of the old grammar school here in the new town I live in
i am now just sixty blocks north of my fourty six years in union city
I want her to have the best of what school has to offer
I have no doubt
She too is gifted in the arts
All of my children were recognized as gifted and had a school for theses children
Now they finally built and refurbished many of the old schools I went to as a little girl and high schooler
then there were my children from my divorce
and seventeen years later another child I was blessed to have a second chance to do it differently
It did not matter
Not at the end of the day
No appreciation for anything I had to offer
I could have been a different kind of mother and thaught of myself
Like my mother
But I didn't in fear a stranger or even their own father could possibly do something to them inappropriately
It happened to me and some women I have gotten to know over the years who confided in me

I have a hard time with this
I haven't known how to do for me
And I mean to be selfish
And enjoy myself
I have to learn how to do that
There are old friends I can call and pick up where we left off
I called on such friend
She is now widowed
Before i had a good talk with her
Said I hung up the phone
I love you Eva
I needed that so badly
And she knows the struggles and sacrifices
a mother and grandmother
She too is a fellow employee of my last job
She started back in the early nineties and waitresses part time to make ends meet
She knows alot
Seen alot
Know my personality not to take turd from anybody
I did not demand respect
I commanded it
And would not waiver from my standards and morals

I have raised four children
And beleive me when I tell you
I do not know who they are
And I do not like who they became
Four of them

How in heavens name can that be
I do not like my children
Superficial in so many ways since social media
became the new way of meeting people
Less social gatherings
One eventually isolates one self and obsesses as my youngest child had problems with
Not going to class
Now hear this
She was in school everyday
JUST WASN'T IN CLASS
I beg to ask this question
After keeping in contact with her high school counselor
Irene Lynch
Is ready to retire
But because it was difficult for me to go to school all the time
And was assured by her father
He living in the town I am in now he lived in all his life
His home and business in this town
Assured me with "his contacts" he will take care if that
"That" never happened
And i continued and maintained contact with her guidance counselor
Having had to pull her out twice
She was out of control
And I would have eventually been taken to court
She at this point needed to go into a program she up until two months
before she left called NewPathway
Having an affair with her phone and the smut that was thrown out there
Again her father pays the bill to her phone
And it is her life
And I gave her the ultimatum
Give up the phone for four hours in the day
Get you GED
WORK PARTTIME
is not a unreasonable request
Especially not doing anything while home
It was always a fight to get her to do anything for herself
Or for me or Eva
Always a fight
When she tried
It lasted maybe three days
Cause the
PHONE WAS IT ALL
first thing up in the morning
And to bed
And it inbetween the day
PHONE PHONE PHONE
I need help
And Heavenly Father is the only one
through Jesus Christ will he be my saving grace
I ask for Christ to carry me
And hold me tight
I am doing this alone
While sick
I must be watched over by the Father
In Jesus I trust
In God I believe

I hope others can see having to empower myself
Is leaving the stuff I cannot do in my Fathers hands
I do not understand it
But I know it is exactly how it is to be