Thanks for the explanation.
I am sorry to hear about your really shixxty prognosis.
I can't imagine what it is like to live with always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It doesn't sound cliche at all to say you need to experience it to get it.
I've had seizures and migraines and some brain damage from an infection, that affected executive function, and it is hard for people to understand those three things, let alone the effects of them. I certainly did not understand a migraine or a seizure before I had them. The lost of executive function after the brain infection...well forget trying to get people to understand that😏

You described physical issues like poor balance, slurry speech, claw hand from your strokes.
Does it also affect your cognitively? Do you have trouble with memory or thinking clearly, figuring things out? I hope not.

As far as things being better if you weren't around, I'd venture a guess that you are the only one who thinks that way. If you are a grandfather who is loving enough to want to coach 9 years olds, I bet you are are a pretty special guy.

Let yourself be down for a bit and do what you have to, to indulge that awful feeling of thinking the world is better off without you. Go to a therapist or a support group(or just keep coming back here) and work it out. Then do exactly what you have been doing, go for the joy in life, no matter how limited it may be. I have no kids or grandkids so the thought of coaching my 9 year old grandchild sounds heavenly to me...even if they are like herding cats.
If you get tired of that, be a big brother for the big brother/big sister foundation.
There are also volunteer jobs that are phone based(reassurance programs for people who are alone and stuck at home). I don't know if this it is still around but I used to work with the R U O K program. Calling the same person every day to checkin and have a chat. I called the same person for 5 years and we had a lovely relationship.

As many of us were brought up to understand, there is ALWAYS someone worse off than us who need our help. When I lost my job to disability after Lyme Disease/brain infection, etc...I walked down the street to the local hospital, told them my honest limitations and asked if there were any volunteer jobs I could do. I only worked 3 hrs each week in the ICU dept but, it was one of the best jobs I ever had. Life is quite real and in your face in an ICU. I learned a lot the few years I was there. One night, a man my age came in with his wife. He said,
"she just kept saying all day long, I have a bad headache". Turns out, she had a brain anyerysm(sp?) and ended up completely incapacitated and had to be placed in a nursing home, for life, and she was in her 40's.

That day I said to myself, no matter what, I am going to push myself every day to do what I can, no matter how hard it is. This gentleman and his wife were close in age to me and my husband and our life circumstances were almost identical. I just kept thinking, that could have been us.

Please keep coming back and talking....you are not alone.
My best, Diandra