When I saw my pdoc yesterday I made the last minute decision to admit that I burned myself with the cigarette on purpose. I've never done anything like that before. I had been forgetting to put the 100mg seroquels in with my night pills for at least a week.. don't know how long. I was having a lot of breakthrough anxiety/OCD symptoms and was a ****ing mess dealing with the license **** and thinking about my drinking. I did it after the second night in a row of fighting with my husband.

I did it to punish myself. I didn't feel anything (MS), so I didn't get anything out of it, and I'm horrified I did it. The fact that it got infected is more disturbing. I won't be doing it again.

My pdoc said that my anxiety disorders were out of control because of all the stress and missing the 100mg of seroquel that usually controls that ****. She thinks that the cigarette burn was a symptom of lack of impulse control. We talked through it, and she's satisfied that I understand why I did it, that I won't do it again, and that I'm stable now that I'm taking my meds properly again (I'm going by my med list when I fill my pill case).

Burning myself with a cigarette is pretty ****ing bad, but when you think of the fact that I was missing 100mg a day of seroquel, and you consider what I'm capable of, I think I'm pretty ****ing lucky that's all that happened.

Even though I've been back on the correct dose of seroquel for a couple of weeks, it's going to take me a while before I get my anxiety back to what I'd like to think is baseline… but at least I'm only dealing with GAD now (not that that is any picnic), and it's mostly in the morning which is normal for me.

Yes, I have an appointment with my therapist. It's next week.