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Member
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 905
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Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 905
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Dear SDFencer
I truly am sorry for all you are going through. I'm on disability with severe small fiber neuropathy and living in chronic pain is a h.e.l.l all its own for sure.
My husband passed away 8 1/2 months ago. He was only 58. We had been married for 35 years. I was 17 and he was 22 when we married. To say I miss him and am devastated without him is an understatement. We had our issues just like any other married couple. This last few years we were only intimate a few times here and there.
Today is the day before his surgery last year on May 20th. He had a rare non cancerous tumor in his neck. He was grouchy, ill and snappy with me. No loving words, nothing. He was in his own h.e.l.l trying to deal with a 10 hour operation he was about to have and didn't think he would make it through.
We have 2 grown children and 4 grandkids ranging in age from 11 to 15. I cannot even tell you how much they miss their "Bubba". 2 of the grandsons were by his side as he passed and were absolutely devastated and still are but have learned to move on. They talk about him all the time.
My husband did make it through the surgery but was never the same. We had 3 months after that to make our peace with each other even though at the time we didn't know that is what we were doing. He died knowing how much we all loved him, especially me, and I knew how deeply he had loved me over all these years.
I'm telling you my story because I'm hoping it will help you seek help. You may be at peace when you are gone but I can tell you from personal experience that your family will never, ever get over it.
You have so much to offer those grandchildren, your children and your wife. I too have coached young kids (cheerleading) and it will make you want to pull all your dang hair out ! But I loved it when I was doing it.
I have so many regrets and they are very hard to live with. Regrets of what I should have done and said with Bubba everyday of our lives.
He said during our 3 months together after his surgery, that he let pride get in his way. He was a manly man and even though I loved that about him it got in the way many times in our lives.
I tell everyone now to let their other halves know how much they love them. Even if they are mad at them. Just hug them tight and tell them. It actually gets easier to do when you keep doing that. lol
And working......boy how much I miss that. I was an Assistant Director in a mfg plant and I was over our mfg claims and administrative claims dept.
In Sept of 2012, after 26 years with that company, I was laid off. A month later I had what we thought was a regular hysterectomy. 2 weeks after that the path report says I had a rare uterine cancer and the chemo began. A month after chemo I could hardly walk. Between being pre-diabetic and having the chemo it has fried the A and C fibers in my feet. Severe small fiber neuropathy is what the biopsy revealed.
I won't blame you if you don't read this entire message. I guess your posts just opened the door for me to let it all out. Thank you for that 
I went from super worker, super mom, super grandmother to being home 99% of the time. I hate living like this. But keep living I will do.
I take my punches and lay in the bed some days all day long. I have times I am severely depressed. A horrible blanket of sadness squeezes me so tight I can't breath. I cry and cry.
And then there are days I can shake that all off and be ok.
I wish you the best and hope you keep posting so we can know how you are doing and maybe something someone says here will help you.
Awesome group of people here and they helped me through my worst times. I thank the good Lord for them.
Debi from Georgia
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