Had my daughter over to spend time with her daughter
Excuses excuses
All she did was sleep
After we had a early dinner
Got her ready to receive her mother
And she slept
I came into my room to give them
Mommy and daughter time
I went into the room to see how they were doing
Still sleeping
And she was sleeping into the dark
Had her get up
Tried to explain what she did will never happen again
She yelled and screamed with umpteen excuses
I came into my room with my granddaughter when I asked her to please leave
We locked ourselves in my room just waiting
She left
Leaving the door ajar
God knows how long it was like that
God please
What is wrong with me
My youngest calling me to say goodnight at 10:45 while on the light rail to still take the bus
Alone
She was alone
What's wrong with her father
God I just don't want to feel anything anymore
I really don't want to feel
Not like this

I have a appointment to get a x-ray and cat-scan of lungs
It already has been noted I have emphysema in my right lung
The doctor was able to hear the wheezing
I am scared
My cancer was in my right breast
My pain that is on my back right side
The bone that would be wings to a bird
Is killing me with pain and burning it has increased
in intensity I can feel it spread
I don't want it to be cancer again
God please
Not again
Not my lung this time
June 6th I see the oncologist and then later that day X-ray and CT
how to let what go
My life
This has effected everything about me
my well being isn't of anyone's interest
To get to the doctors is just as difficult
Not any of my children understand the magnitude
Because
I have no choice but to push myself
One day I will push myself to far
I have lost thirty pounds
And did not see it happen
Please the only time I list weight like this
was with my breast cancer
Because it is on the right side is what scares me
My type of cancer loves bone
Let it not be cancer
I have no will to fight another run
I know I need to calm and wait
Right
Tell that to my brain
My body
My feel
I just don't want to feel
All that I am doing is going through the same motions
Over and over and over
Until there isn't anything left
I am left to handle things on my own
Something I have done ALL MY LIFE
NO MORE PLEASE
I DON'T WANT TO GO IT ALONE
A frightened woman asks
Heavenly Father lift me
Hold me
Let me feel You in my Body Mind and Soul
Please Heavenly Father
Please
They hurt me and my grandchild over and over again
To be this sad and depressed is not how I want to live the rest of the time I am given
This is not who I am
I am not the person I once was
And it HURTS