I am just so unhappy. I haven't been to my neuropsychologist since my most recent stroke (#5) last month but what the heck good is it? I don't feel better. I don't want more medicine, I have never accepted my body not being able to do what it used to, like walk more than 10 feet or stand for more than 2 minutes. I'm told that I wouldn't play basketball like I did in college. I know that but I'd still be playing.

My wife has never really understood the whole thing. I think it's kid of "you're upright, you must be cured." Last weekend I told her I wish she could spend one day like me and I got "the face' and a brush off of Nice excuse or whatever. She hasn't touched me in 7-8 years. The Dr. said it's OK to try. I've tried to start it and get laughed off. I'm told to "stop living in the past." I just want to cry but it doesn't happen, so I watch Rent and I finally do.

I've had everything ripped from me, my job, athletics. I look at volunteer opportunities and they either require moving around or stuff you need both hands to do.

On the grand tote board I find more pros to not being around than I do cons. What to do what to do.