Powerless I am to so many things
However being pushed to the limit with my last two children cannot be anymore hurtful
When your eighteen year old who brings nothing to the table
A place where she is and knows she is loved
who is on the phone first thing and all day
Eats in bed when there is a table and chairs in her room
a beautiful room with her own bathroom
who since returning home testing me to my limit
And it is all the same she lays around on the phone all the time
A obsession
I ask her everyday did you apply for work
The last was when she had no more clothes to wear if she could do all her laundry
No problem
Mom really can't financially support her
Yet I do the best I can
And it is not appreciated
I don't know why she is pushing me to a breaking point
Does she want me to say get out
I will never throw my child out
And for both of them to cuss me when I just found out she tried to kill herself three days ago
Found out yesterday
My youngest who is undeserving of the money given so she can go to the movies
Go out with her friends
And do nothing without having to ask her
In the end she was in route to her sister yesterday but she was sick
I asked her to return home and do some of the things she needed to do
Dirty plates
Dirty clothes
A dirty bathroom until I can't take it anymore
And here is a first
the icing on the cake
When she told me no
She wasn't coming home
And that I should get over it
She never came home
And yet
This morning writes me
Mommy
Are you okay
What the F*** is that
I don't know what to do with that
None of my other children did that when
Then again who am I kidding
Christine started hanging out with the wrong crowd seventh grade downward spiral
And Corissa was ill with her kidney and was still an active mom with the school and Christine trying not to loose her like I did
And she is in a very bad place
Corissa not interested in anything except being taken care of
in a way that is just not right
She is that magical age eighteen
Her father will not take her in if she calls him
My eldest hasn't gotten a word where she is
For all I know she could be with the gang member who she was involved with when with her father and had the pregnancy scare with
Who gets her high
Why is it to open up to me and know I will always worry when they are not on a good road
And all I can do is pray for them both
But I feel like I can't hang on anymore
It's beginning to hurt me physically
And they can't see that
Lost and depressed
Like she said
I need to get over it
Have nobody
Nobody