Quote:
Originally Posted by OhKay
Dear Eva,
I know that you still carry a lot of guilt because you abused alcohol when your children were young, and because addiction runs in families because of learned behavior and genetics…
Both of my parents were alcoholics, but I want you to know that that was not a factor in my suicide attempt (although my father's behavior at the time was). I do not blame my parents' alcoholism at all for my suicide attempt. Some people are predisposed to be addicts, but ultimately we are responsible for our own behavior. In my case, the main reason I attempted s/s was because of mental illness. Please try your best not to blame yourself.
You are right: There is an overwhelming need for more and better mental healthcare, as well as treatment for addiction in this country. Unfortunately, individuals need to seek treatment themselves- whatever resources are out there, unless they are committed because they are a threat to themselves or others, or are arrested and required to undergo drug treatment.
It is a hard thing to learn how to love oneself. Certainly, not everyone gets there. We do the best we can, and hopefully reach out for help when we need it. If we can't do that, hopefully others will reach out to us, and we can accept the help that is offered.
Since your daughter's s/s attempt, you seem to be reliving your father's suicide and remembering his abuse, and your mother's denial. You must be going through an immensely difficult time because of that… I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. If you are currently seeing any mental health professionals I urge you to reach out to them now. Take advantage of any services that a social worker may offer or suggest to you.
I am so sorry that you had such a terrible experience with the hospital staff, and that the delay of information about your daughter's condition caused you more distress. You are right in that some people should not be nurses or working elsewhere in the medical profession. I came to the same conclusion working in hospitals myself.
I'm glad that you have the strength to be there for your daughter. She needs you now. You are a good mother, Eva. Just keep loving her, and that will help you both get through this.
I'll pray for the strength for you both to get through this  |
Dear friend
It has been quite some time that I have had thoughts about my father and his suicide attempt
When I was a young teenager
Sixteen
I tried to starve myself to death
I wrote briefly about it
I remember my sister trying to get me to eat bottled pickles my parents made from the basement
My young life has very little happy memories
Under the age if five
While still living in South Africa
Watching my father beat and rape my mother
Many beatings
I got one so bad and was dragged up more then ten steps
and my foot couldn't grab a step
Many time my mother turned her head when my father would act up
It was a volatile relationship
I married for all the wrong reasons divorced very young twenty four with my then three babies
Never to be that involved with anybody
As I seen and had enough and did not want anybody involved in our lives
I still to this day have only come across one man who gets me and can be honest how men are really are much of it their make up
however a happy childhood I am sure would have been a better place
Understanding loving parents
It was not something my mother wanted
My father wanted to have children
Only to have a punching bag
And got off watching his children myself and my middle sister naked
Never got to my youngest sister
Threatened with guns and horrible stuff
Not the point
I never trusted anybody to be worthy enough to have me or my children
I tried to protect them from some horrible things
I do not blame myself
Have gone through many therapist
To my phycotheripist I just fired after seven years with hi
Biweekly
Not worth going into
I trust my gut
It NEVER failed me
Always being honest with my babies
Always
Secrets are not necessarily a good thing
You get what I mean
I don't believe in them
They are lies
Just hidden
I wanted not for anybody to hurt my babies
And then there was me
I became a alcoholic went out of control for about ten years
The last five of them is when I lost my privileges
There is a huge history about addiction and depression in my family and culture
I am a Hungarian
My father Klee himself
Left a note
To the end called us all whores
A racist Hitler follower
I the black sheep
Hated my father
Then my children see me become that monster
I mentally screwed them up
I hit them when I was angry with them
And they were my babies
I asked them to forgive me for my terrible ways when I was that drunk
I love them to death
They all know that
I entered AA in 1990 and took it seriously in 1992
My children bright and gifted had me for their mom
and I tried to apoligize and found they used that to blame me for their addictions
I know about all the reasons on can become a addict with whatever drug drink,food,cleaning,hoarding,reading,social media,sex and the list goes on
Whenever it interferes with ones life where they are consumed with it
ITS A PROBLEM
I understood this before becoming a teenager
A rebel
Someone who kept it honest and real and my father hated that
My mother was all about herself
On the outside we were that perfect well groomed family
My mother loved money
My fathe worked like a horse
This is what defined him
A animal hunter
Sportsman
Wanted boys
Had three girls
My mother aborted the fourth baby
her first child with anothe husband died within a few weeks
I tried to protect my sisters
Turns out when confronting my mother in a drunken state
She didn't believe what I was telling her in front of her leering new husbands eyes on my then young Saraeve
All hell broke loose
Yes there are many many many things that happened
But I made it
Through it all leaving at seventeen and never looking back
I am still alive and here
Trying to get it right
Keeping it always real
I am not afraid of the truth
However bad it might be for others
I choose to keep it real at a very early age
A rebel
In my fathers face I would be
When I didn't peel a potato correctly
For him that meant you should be able to see through the peel
There isn't a day when I touch a potato I don't have horrible memories
I'm okay today
Worked through very hard things
The most important
To be the best mother and grand mother I can be
They mean everything to me
I was blessed
Because I wanted to be a mommy a really good mommy
But I hurt them without seeing it
Blessed today to be living a sober life
My choice of drug is ALCOHOL
My daughter has many things she needs to work through
She was three months old when I split with their father
And was an absent one at that
Just fixed on harassing me for the next ten years after I divorced him
He lost sight of his children when fixed on his sick obsession on me
My life was in danger many times
My kids remember some stuff
And the weird thing is
I did not want my kids to have a life lik I did
We it was a tough road raising them and with the help of my Heavenly Father and those who were and are still there for me in AA
Living a sober life was when things changed for the better
Making amends the hardest thingi had to do
For my children
And now my children with their mom sober for most of their lives
Make no mistake damage was done forever lasting by me
They understand my soberiety gave me my life back as one should be living the simple principals that are freely offered
It works if you work it
It really works and is a beautiful thing to see one get sober
I have children all dabbled with drugs and now drink and think it is t a problem
I most certainly is
They understood there is a predisposition already in them
I taught them never to lie
It is not the kind of person who lives happiness knowing they live a honest life making an honest living and pray the haven't any hangovers from their young life
Thank you Heavenly Father for keeping them safe when in my care
I am a vocal mom
I talk and talk and keep the lines of commucation as open as possible
They know there is only a limit to what I have to offer
They are not doing very well in the mind altering ways
Each their very own beautiful selves have problems I pray they work on and out of their lives
I will never abandon them
But I cannot be the one to make it happen
I pray for all of us
It is in the family big time
And I'm trying to keep it together
It is tough
When I am the go to person for everything
I need to back up and watch them handle life
It is a tough life for us it wasn't our fault
So many factors
Predisposition
Enveriomental
The schools are in shambles
Trying to get my old boss the mayor of the town I grew up in forty six years
Trying to get her the best to offer her the new schools that just went up
throughout the town
Her mom still in the hospital
Anyway
This family has the work cut out for them
And I will never give up on them
And their minds need help
There hearts in pain as they have that monkey on their backs
You concerns right on point
This is where I find I get the real stuff
Not what my doctor would think
Loved to try all the meds that put me in a very dark place
And dismiss my real concerns
Getting to a good place so I can live my life
He kept me on for the bucks
I wrote briefly about it
He did not like me calling him on his game
Yet it was the truth
Need to power up the iPod
Have more to add be back in a bit
My daughter distraught over many things including not being able to be there for her child
It has been a rocky road from the very beginning
Seventh grade
She is thirty
Have had her to every kind of help private and others that could help
She has been to a long term rehab to short term
Went to every avenue and revisited them when I still had control
Once she turned eighteen it was a different kind of problem
I cannot even begin to start
It never stops
It has got to come from them
They have to make it happen
I have this place left in my life to come to when I have something going on and need to vent or feed back
I have come to meet very special persons here
I cannot do anything but hang on to hope
It is the only thing I have left
HOP AND A PRAYER
That they will find their way
There are so many things that has happened throught this life of mine
And to watch your child crumble before you and know you cannot do anything about it
Powerless over anybody period
I wake as Heavenly Father has me wake
And I give my very best
I lean on my faith
My fellowship
And those who have been there
Many are around for support
You concerns and kindness taken to heart
I hear what you are expressing
Thank you for listening
Bless you and ALL who care about me and my family
Love
Me