what a way to live
i know it is me my mind
that is occupied with the what ifs
a good friend suggested to not look for it
let it come to me
this is true release of ones turmoil
when nobody but ourselves having the sense
to see and understand
we are powerless in many situations
many
but it is how i try very hard to practice
and then getting bombarded from all side
and still try to keep it together
i have come so far
not to fail being the best mom and human i can be
i live with much sadness
making just as much lemonade
my grandchild ready to start school
wondering how her life will be like going to school
she is bright
very bright
gifted
i can see it
as i did with all my children

having to wake in a state i cannot move like i once did
like lighting i was
like lighting
and 95% of it gone

i wonder
what will it be like when i get to stop taking my cancer pill
tamoxifen
it stripping me of my estrogen
will this sad feeling be lifted even just a bit
it is affecting me physically
reliving terroristic attacks
watching the towers come crashing down
for my eyes to watch
it is literally
right across the river
my backyard
and has not stopped
i cannot fathom any of it

my babies
i from generation X group
have not moved on as the rest of the world
technology has never introduced itself to me
where i did not want part of
i look at my children
my babies
all suffering in one way or another
social media when my children went from beepers to the cell phone
and in their case more harm than good
i can see where it changed just like that
and there is no stopping
phones used to blow people up
i live in this country a citizen
a immigrant
in this country that was referred to when i came
as the
"a melting pot"
who can say we have the right to be judgemental
is it so difficult for one to refrain from saying negative
if one hasn't a nice thing to say to another
do not say anything at all
if one isn't asked for one's opinion
keep one's mouth shut
how has manners disappeared so quickly
just in the last twenty years pushing the envelope
what happened to courtship
why are we watching dating naked
i am not speaking of any shame of my body
not to be misunderstood
i have love of myself
a confident woman
who stands in Gods love and protection

my grandchild at the foot of my bed writing her numbers in word form
knows her vowels
long and short
i teach her in song
it is easier for her
everything in song is better

music
that sooths

the world has lost its song

will the sadness be lifted a bit when i stop the drug
it is a terrible feeling
depression robs us of so much

i try to empower myself
with the love of Jesus Christ
and try to write everyday

mental illness not taken seriously
to say the words out loud "mental illness" is taboo
something has to give
pull back the reigns
not everything has to be accepted
why afraid
i don't get it
my children old enough to see it happening
i will always take a stand when in truth
i will always be around when my children need that comfort
only what i can give
i pray we all have happiness in our hearts
love
me