Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for the blessings you will bestow on me today

having to let go of the utter chaos
the anger my children have towards me
let me let it go
bless them
they do know what they do
reaching out to my son that his sister tried to kill herself
who is now on her way i pray to detox
is outrageously demanding
consequences i suffer reaching out to my son through his husband
told him to give the message to him
he is not allowed to speak with me
as long as my son chooses to be estranged from me
this man is ordered not to contact me
heavenly father
bless them
to have my heart filled with such sadness and despair
it is said
YOU give me no more than i can handle
the most important thing is they are
blessed by You
You can feel my pain
you have me wake
physically
mentally
spiritually
i am broken
bless them Heavenly Father
You know my pain
the horrible things written
the horrible words spoken
and the day has started in utter anger
mine
bless them
i should not
i will not be a mat for them to wipe their feet on
how much more pain do i get for the mothering
i have done
i stand by my parenting and the softer side mothering
it seems i have become bankrupt in every aspect of my waking life
i have but this life
YOU know my heart like no other
i give you my pain
i surrender
i give up
let me learn how to truly live
not let others problem become mine
as much as i am there for them the sorrow of it all is overwhelming
they are now blocked from calling or writing for that matter
that is it
all i can give done
there are conditions my children have if i want them in my life
it is not going to happen
they ARE unreasonable requests
it to them is
"i want"
i am responsible for a child who had a f****D up start
pretty much like my children
shorted by one parent
i being the chosen one am still here
here not to be a punching bag
because their lives are in there own turmoil
made my amends more than i should have
over it
bless them
i have given them my all and some
and to be treated as if i were the child
until all my children take addiction seriously
it has come to my attention from one of my children
both my oldest children drink
drink until they are puking all they have out that is poisoning them
this not a good thing
this is not the only thing that they are ingesting to get high
so of my four children all aren't doing well
just three drinks with a cigarette
that's all i need
or so i thought
gave them both up for this to hit me in the face
am i surprised
not if anything i gave them all the warning signs
over and over and over again
is this the life destined for my children
my grandchild
what will the end result be
it is frightening
truly frightening
but You have me wake into their rage because they can
and i won't
let them not hurt me anymore
i have been and continue to be their mother
not good enough
the best i have to offer
i allowed them to bleed me dry in most areas in my life
i have stepped away
yet they will not stop being hurtful
it is something i have to stop let affect me
easier said than done
but in the end doing it
bless them
serenity
true serenity
letting go and letting God
just for today i will be sober
not escape
but present before YOU
can you hear me Heavenly Father
do with me as YOU WISH
in Jesus i trust
in God i believe
bless us all
in Jesus name
Amen